The Playlist

This was my horoscope today. I thought it was PERFECT for what my goals are right now!! I'm a huge horoscope junkie. I read at least 4 of them a day and pick the one that makes the most sense. I thought I'd share:

You are on a roll today, or at least you are warming up and getting ready for something big. You can feel it coming, even if you are still holding yourself back. Don't focus any attention on your worries or fears. You are what you think, so look forward to the amazing chance in front of you. Tying up any last loose ends from your past is smart because you really don't want anything to get in the way of your future.

And.....because I believe that music is the key to the world - I'm making a play list. Every significant event in my life has a song that coincides with it for me. In honor of the next few weeks, I've created a playlist that will forever make me think of My Hiatus! Call it what you'd like, but for me - it's the Single Girls playlist. It should be on a CD in your car, on your MP3 player, and everywhere else you may need it to make you dance around like a retard by yourself and remember that you're fabulous!

The All-American Rejects - Gives you Hell
Katy Perry - Hot N Cold
Beyonce - Single Ladies
Britney Spears - Womanizer
Liz Phair - Extraordinary
Liz Phair - Why Can't I?
Taylor Swift - White Horse
Kellie Pickler - Red High Heels
Carrie Underwood - The More Boys I Meet
Carrie Underwood - Last Name
Pink - So What
John Legend - Green Light
Britney Spears - Radar
T.I - Whatever you Like
Zac Brown Band - Chicken Fried
Lady GaGa - Just Dance
Jesse McCartney - Leavin'
Ting Tings - That's Not My Name
Christina Aguilera - Keeps Gettin' Better
Gnarls Barkley - Crazy
Danity Kane - Damaged
Beyonce - Diva
Lee Ann Womack - Last Call
Jason Aldean - She's Country
Joey and Rory - Cheater Cheater
Sugarland - All I Want to Do

I'm sure this is JUST the beginning. I'll add to it as I come across the songs I know I forgot.

Enjoy
xoxo
rye

My Hiatus!

Hi friends!

So it's been a crazy, crazy year or so. Leaving Orlando, moving to Kansas City, tons and tons of volleyball, going back to school next month, and overall just adjusting - I can't believe how insane it's all been.

Most of it's been good, but I've certainly had my....lows, if you will. Sadly, most of these "lows" have been related to men in some way shape or form. I'm not proud of it - but it's true. In honor of Valentine's Day, I've decided to take a bit of a hiatus - from men.
I really should've done this quite some time ago (like when Joe and I broke up), but I'm thinking better late than never! Right?!?
The whole thought process relates right back into my rockstar status. I told you all - I'm back. And I think this is the way to get there!!

I'm sure my friend Cherie believes that I can't do this, but I feel like it's absolutely necessary to move forward in a positive fashion. I think that one of the most important things to living a good life is being happy in your own skin. I think it's about being perfectly okay with being alone. And by alone, I mean alone. No dating, no making out with strangers, no crazy text relationships. Alone.

I originally thought 90 days was a good hiatus, but then decided that was a bit long!! To kick it all off, I'm going for 30 days...and we'll go from there. The official start date is February 14th, 2009. 30 days brings us to March 15th - just in time for St. Patty's Day. Seems appropriate since this is my FAV holiday!

I remember the beginning days in Orlando when life was all about having fun, figuring myself out, and doing as many new things as humanly possible. And I loved every minute of it. My goal is to get back there. I want the biggest worry in my life to be when my next volleyball practice is, the next day I play, and the next time I'm going for cocktails with friends.

I also decided to make a list of all the things I want to do over the next few months. It's a ridiculous list, but I plan on making it through it...before football season!

I'm sure I'll blog about updates on the hiatus and how things are going...so check back often!

And, for fun - here's the list of things to do! Feel free to join me if you'd like.

Bloom Fest - I think it's May 31st.
Crawl for Cancer - May 14 or 16th or something like that!
Eureka Springs - April 25
Float Trip - June or July ladies?
Branson - this one is up to Cherie
Lake of the Ozarks - anyone have any party cove hook ups?!
Lake Pom - yes Matty - I'll be calling you to set this one up
Royals Games - I have to look at a calendar, but I'd LOVE to do opening weekend. Not sure if the kiddos play....
T Bones - we had a blast at T Bones games last year. Plan on doing quite a few this year!
Free concerts - I'm hoping Power and Light are doing their free concert series again. I only made it to one out there last year - but we had so much fun!
The Old Chicago Beer Tour - we can start this ASAP. I'm open for volunteers!
Tons of volleyball - I have to see how much time school takes up - but I'm hoping to be able to play one or two nights this summer.

He's just not that into you....

With all of the excitement about the movie coming out, I was forced to go out and purchase the book....again! I must say I've read this book probably 4 or 5 times throughout my 20s....yes, I know it's excessive, but sometimes I need a reminder! Mind you I've dated EVERY guy that book describes...

Either way, this most recent time probably resonates the most. It's so funny the excuses we make for people, male and female alike. I don't know if it's the innate need to see the best in people, rose colored glasses, or just plain stupidity - but wow, we let people off the hook for a lot of stuff!

My best friend Cherie thinks I need to stop reading self help books. Personally, I love them. And I try to apply them to my life as much as possible (I think this is why she wants me to stop!). But the truth is, the most recent read of "He's Just Not That Into You!" was probably my favorite.

I'm far enough post break up to see that he REALLY wasn't that into me at all and finally feeling okay about dating again, to see that men will say just about anything to win you over. Until they do win you over....then they're just not that into you....Really, I needed a book to see all of this?! I'm a mess, I know.

I spent this past weekend with 5 of my girlfriends - most of whom I've been close with for a very long time. Talk about a sad, sad group of girls. Between the 6 of us, we could cover any and every dating/marriage nightmare possible. So much so that it's almost comical. Almost....

But dealing with this weekend and reading this book made me wonder how such strong, beautiful, funny women wound up in these situations. This takes me back to a conversation my girlfriend Julie and I used to have all of the time (pre her fanstastic boyfriend that she's madly in love with!!!) where we always came to the conclusion that we just liked the attention.

Do we settle for mediocre because we like the attention? Do we really buy the excuses because we like the attention? Do we really make excuses because we like the attention?!?!! Seriously?

Truth be told, I don't know the answer to this question right now. Those of you that know me know that I write when I get frustrated. So help me out here friends, how do we as beautiful, talented, wonderful women settle for men that just aren't that into us?! Or worse yet, try to figure out why? (because the answer is very clearly, they're just dumb :)

xoxo
rye

You used to be a rockstar....

I won't lie, life has been rough lately. I haven't been myself. I've been frustrated, stressed out, and a little lost. Okay, maybe a lot lost... I thought it was normal. Post-move, post break-up...people are supposed to feel a little out of whack, right?

Wrong....

A friend of mine....one I'm not terribly close to and haven't done a good job of keeping in touch with messaged me randomly (via Facebook, no less!) the other day and made me look at things like I should've been looking at them over the last 9 months.

I won't take you through the whole convo, but what he said was crystal clear. "You used to be a rockstar." Wow. I didn't know what to say to that. Of course, my first reaction was, are you kidding me? I'm still a rockstar. But then I realized that he was right. I did used to be a rockstar. And my rockstar status has been dwindling...fast.

I can blame it on whatever I want. Work being stressful. The weather being shitty. Missing Orlando. It doesn't matter. Truth is, I've let a lot of "stuff" get in the way of being me. Well, kids, watch out - I'm back. For real this time.

It doesn't matter where I live. It doesn't matter what happens. I am still the same crazy, hard working, fun loving, independent, stubborn person I was before. Just a different zip code and a winter wardrobe. I really don't know how I lost sight of that to be quite honest with you.

It's such a simple realization. And it was a simple statement. "You used to be a rockstar." That's exactly what he said.

And what's really sad about all of this is equally as simple. The rockstar behavior hasn't gone away. I haven't stopped doing the things I love. I haven't stopped going out and being myself and having a blast. I simply stopped acting like I rockstar. I started worrying about stupid shit. I started thinking about things I couldn't control. And I got stuck inside my own damn head.

So - thank you friend. For pointing out the obvious. And for making me realize - that I am a rockstar. And it's about damn time I started acting like one.

And for my fantastic rockstar friends, and for the ones that were there for me when I wasn't up to par, thank you for being a part of my life. I have realized lately that I am one of the luckiest girls in the world. I have great friends, an amazing family, and a life I am proud of.

Cheers

xoxo

rye

Being an adult.....

I believe this was November/December 2008.....Kelley told me this was exactly what people should blog about....so here's your post Kel!

xoxo

I'm usually so surprised how fast life happens and how much things change. Today, I'm just pissed off. As you've all told me, life happens; you've grown up, it part of the maturity process, etc. If that's what I'm supposed to do, why the hell can't everybody else?

News flash, life is hard. Being an adult is really shitty sometimes. However, there's nothing we can do to change it. We're adults with adult responsibilities, things to take care of, and sticky situations to get ourselves out of. What happened to just opening your mouth and asking for what you want? I'm as guilty of as everyone else, but it's starting to get on my nerves.

I've found myself in some strange, strange situations I would've never been in a year ago by moving home. Instead of the biggest problem being why didn't that guy at the bar call me, it's now about kids and living together and marriage. Yuck. That's right, I said it….yuck!

But, this is the choice I've made, to move back here to be closer to family and friends. Don't get me wrong, it's not all bad, but some days I just want to shake people and remind them – we're all adults. Yes, some of us are better at it than others, some of us have more experience, and some of us just fly by the seat of our pants. But, nothing, and I mean NOTHING, gets resolved by not opening your mouth. You boyfriend pisses you off – tell him. You don't understand what your boss wants - ask him. You don't know why your best friends' been weird lately - get a bottle of wine and make her talk to you. It's not that tough. Sure, you might find out some things you didn't want to know. You might hurt someone's feelings. But, it's the only way to get an answer. I promise…answers don't appear out of nowhere. And when they do, it's usually not a good situation. Believe me, I know.

Did you ever stop to think that perhaps you're not giving the people around you enough credit? That perhaps though they may seem high strung and unreasonable – that they can think like rational adults if you give them the chance. Of course you didn't – you never stopped to ask. So instead we form massive wedges between the people we care about most at the risk of hurting someone's feelings. Well, that's it, I've had enough. If you want to be an adults and be treated like one – start acting like one.

Invisible goals?

Written post break up in 2008.....

I wish someone would’ve warned me that life would be this hard. When you’re a little kid the people in your life tell you that you can be anything you want to be and that as long as you work hard that good things will come. Nobody warns you that you will get your heart broken. Nobody warns you that people will not turn out to be who you wanted them to be. Nobody warns you that friends will come and go from your life. Not that any warning would make it feel any better, but sometimes it feels like false advertising.

I’ve done everything I’ve been told to do my whole life. I finished high school with good grades and a scholarship to college. I left my life in a small town with the idea that things will only look up from here. College was great. I made amazing friends and I learned a lot about myself as a person. And when I left college in pursuit of the perfect career, I thought things will only look up from here.

After college, I got a job. I was way too hard working and trusting and found out that the workplace is even scarier and harder than high school and college put together. So I got another job, a job that I loved. And I’ve continued to work hard ever since. I knew that there were great things on my horizon because as a little kid, I was told there would be. I mean, I did everything I was supposed to right? I worked hard, I was honest – it should all fall together now, right?

Let’s not forget the entire outside of work drama that comes with adult life. Being an adult is hard work. Not only are you worried about paying all of your bills, finding out who you are, trying to maintain an active social life, but you’re then faced with finding that person you’ll spend the rest of your life with.

I suppose that’s what this is all about for me. When it comes to school and work and being a good person – I’ve done it all. At least I feel like I have. But, why didn’t someone warn me that the relationship part of life is by far the hardest thing that a person will go through. That meeting new people, friends and significant others alike, would be an uphill battle. That just because someone was a nice person, a fun person, doesn’t mean that they’re supposed to be a person in your life.

I’ll be honest; the majority of this is geared towards the relationship side of things. Finding a boyfriend, a potential husband, someone to share your life with – that’s what society says is the next step, post high school, college, and career. However, I won’t overlook the fact that friendships become hard too. People grow and change. They begin to want different things out of life. They begin to expect different things from you. And the friendship changes. I don’t know if it’s harder to end a romantic relationship or end a friendship. Believe me, I’ve done both on more than one occasion, and I’m not a fan of either.

I know you’re thinking I’m pretty naïve right now. How is it possible that this girl didn’t know that life would be hard? That she would make friends and lose them? How did she not know that she would get her heartbroken over and over again? Let me make this clear, I knew that it would happen. I didn’t anticipate the magnitude of it. I didn’t anticipate that my adult life would be so geared towards these things. I didn’t realize that there would be days that I would trade anything to go back to the age of 12 just for life to be that simple and innocent again.

I know I’m not the only woman in the world that feels this way. I don’t mean to leave men out of this one, but I’ve talked to both men and women about life – and for some reason, it seems that women are the ones that always seem flabbergasted at the immense pain that life brings. Perhaps it’s because we tell little boys not to cry and they model themselves after a society that encourages “being manly” and “acting like a man.” And of course, we all know “real men don’t cry.” Perhaps that’s why we, as women, shoulder this pain. We feel pain for ourselves, the people (men) in our life that don’t deal with their pain, and then (though I don’t have children) we shoulder our children’s pain as well.

How much can one person handle? How much pain you take on everyday and still function? How do we get out of bed in the morning and do what needs to be done while internally dealing with four million different things? It’s a complete mystery to me.

Just coming out of a relationship myself, I’ve been through more emotions in the last week that I thought humanly possible. And all I can do is sit here and write and ask myself how? How do people deal with this? How do people just keep going? I know the answer is, because we don’t have a choice. And all sorts of other cliché things, like everything in life happens for a reason. What’s meant to be will be. It is what it is. You can’t change someone that doesn’t want to be changed. Look at the big picture.

Let me tell you something, I’m looking at the big picture and all I see is that it gets more and more complicated the older we get. It becomes harder to meet people that don’t have “emotional baggage.” Responsibilities become bigger. The bills become bigger. We want a bigger house. A nicer car. Or something else we’ve convinced ourselves that if we can just get that one thing, we’ll be happier.

I’ve tried to focus on myself. I’ve tried to focus on what I need and want out of life. I’ve tried to tell myself I don’t need material things. I don’t need a man to make me happy. I don’t need anyone else to make my life great. Is it just me? Am I the only person who doesn’t believe this bullshit? Everywhere you turn around in today’s society, it’s about love and marriage and life and work and material stuff. How do people overcome that? How does an average person working hard to make their life above average ever get to that next level? And when they do get to that next level, how do they slow down and enjoy it? Someone please explain it to me.

Explain to me how I went from an idealistic little girl that wanted to have a career and buy a nice house and live a good life so that my kids wouldn’t want for anything. To a woman that doesn’t know what she’s working for anymore.

I’m sure you’ve heard that it’s better to write down your goals. Develop a picture of what you want and work towards that. What happens if the picture is constantly changing? One day the picture says one thing and the next day it’s completely different.

How have I become so jaded that the idea of dating makes me want to cry? How have I become so unsure of myself? How does a normal person deal with these things? I’ve tried it all, great friends, good wine, a therapist. Sometimes, I do achieve these great moments of clarity where I feel like I’ve got it figured out, just to wake up the next day to see that the picture has changed again.

Does this make me a crazy person? I mean, I’ve polled the people close to me in my life and they all feel pretty similar. But, I’ve never asked the masses. I’ve never asked people that don’t know me or know my situation if I’m completely off the mark here.

If you ask people that have known me a long period of time, they would tell you that this sounds insane coming from someone like me. Someone like myself, who always seemed to so put together. There’s not one thing I’ve set out to do, that I haven’t done. I don’t mean that in a conceited way at all, but it’s true. Every life goal I’ve set for myself, I’ve accomplished. And instead of feeling accomplished and happy and content – I feel worse. I feel like I’m working towards an invisible goal.

Oh how things change....and stay the same.

This one was written in December 2007. So funny how things change and how they stay the same....

So, it's been a crazy, crazy year. Those of you that know me well, know most of the instances that have made this year a rough one.

A year ago, I could look in the mirror and know I had complete and total control over my life, so I thought. But somehow over the past twelve months I have lost control and have never felt so damn helpless. And I absolutely refuse to carry this into 2008.

After many long conversations with many of my great friends, who thank God, helped me through this year, whether they know it or not, I have come to the conclusion that we have nothing to lose.

Think about all of the things we stress about. Jobs, money, relationships. Most of us are in our mid-twenties and live damn good lives - but somehow it's never enough. If we are attached we wonder if he's the one or can I overlook the fact that I hate what my significant other watches on tv? If we're married, we hate that our single friends can do happy hour whenever they want! If we're single, we wonder where and when we'll find the next person to occupy our time until we decide that we can't overlook the fact that we hate what they watch on tv.

When it comes to work, we wonder if we're doing a good job. Are we going to get fired? Are we going to get promoted? Am I being paid for the amount of work I'm putting in? Can I find another job somewhere else? Can I make more money somewhere else?

So, we talk to our friends. We toast to silly things about being single, being broke, and being fabulous. We make eyes at the person across the bar, but if they talk to us, we blow them off. We work our asses off and then just stress that we really should be making more money. We analyze and reanalyze things that we really have absolutely no control over! We talk ourselves in circles. We ruin perfectly good nights out talking about things that we can't answer. We ruin Sunday Funday by making ourselves crazy over something that we truly will never understand.

The question is, what do we have to lose by asking these questions to the people that can actually answer them?!?!!!! I love you - my friends - but you can't tell me why the boy who asked for my number at the bar didn't call me. You can't tell me why my boss does nothing when things aren't going well at work. So, what do we have to lose by asking the questions??? To the person that can answer the question.

My ultimate goal in 2008 is this - to before I do or say anything, to think WHAT DO I HAVE TO LOSE?? Let's be honest my friends, 9 times out of 10, the answer is nothing. You have nothing to lose. You're young, you're fabulous, and I love all of you and appreciate all of you. Sometimes, it's going to happen, you're going to get rejected and the answer isn't going to be what you want it to be, but at least you know. And knowing is half the battle, my friends!

For those of you that are aware of my plans for change in the future, please help keep me grounded. Please help me realize that I live a fantastic life and that I couldn't do it without each and everyone one of you.

Cheers to a fantastic 2008! And to getting the answers you need, even if you don't want to hear them!