Invisible goals?

Written post break up in 2008.....

I wish someone would’ve warned me that life would be this hard. When you’re a little kid the people in your life tell you that you can be anything you want to be and that as long as you work hard that good things will come. Nobody warns you that you will get your heart broken. Nobody warns you that people will not turn out to be who you wanted them to be. Nobody warns you that friends will come and go from your life. Not that any warning would make it feel any better, but sometimes it feels like false advertising.

I’ve done everything I’ve been told to do my whole life. I finished high school with good grades and a scholarship to college. I left my life in a small town with the idea that things will only look up from here. College was great. I made amazing friends and I learned a lot about myself as a person. And when I left college in pursuit of the perfect career, I thought things will only look up from here.

After college, I got a job. I was way too hard working and trusting and found out that the workplace is even scarier and harder than high school and college put together. So I got another job, a job that I loved. And I’ve continued to work hard ever since. I knew that there were great things on my horizon because as a little kid, I was told there would be. I mean, I did everything I was supposed to right? I worked hard, I was honest – it should all fall together now, right?

Let’s not forget the entire outside of work drama that comes with adult life. Being an adult is hard work. Not only are you worried about paying all of your bills, finding out who you are, trying to maintain an active social life, but you’re then faced with finding that person you’ll spend the rest of your life with.

I suppose that’s what this is all about for me. When it comes to school and work and being a good person – I’ve done it all. At least I feel like I have. But, why didn’t someone warn me that the relationship part of life is by far the hardest thing that a person will go through. That meeting new people, friends and significant others alike, would be an uphill battle. That just because someone was a nice person, a fun person, doesn’t mean that they’re supposed to be a person in your life.

I’ll be honest; the majority of this is geared towards the relationship side of things. Finding a boyfriend, a potential husband, someone to share your life with – that’s what society says is the next step, post high school, college, and career. However, I won’t overlook the fact that friendships become hard too. People grow and change. They begin to want different things out of life. They begin to expect different things from you. And the friendship changes. I don’t know if it’s harder to end a romantic relationship or end a friendship. Believe me, I’ve done both on more than one occasion, and I’m not a fan of either.

I know you’re thinking I’m pretty naïve right now. How is it possible that this girl didn’t know that life would be hard? That she would make friends and lose them? How did she not know that she would get her heartbroken over and over again? Let me make this clear, I knew that it would happen. I didn’t anticipate the magnitude of it. I didn’t anticipate that my adult life would be so geared towards these things. I didn’t realize that there would be days that I would trade anything to go back to the age of 12 just for life to be that simple and innocent again.

I know I’m not the only woman in the world that feels this way. I don’t mean to leave men out of this one, but I’ve talked to both men and women about life – and for some reason, it seems that women are the ones that always seem flabbergasted at the immense pain that life brings. Perhaps it’s because we tell little boys not to cry and they model themselves after a society that encourages “being manly” and “acting like a man.” And of course, we all know “real men don’t cry.” Perhaps that’s why we, as women, shoulder this pain. We feel pain for ourselves, the people (men) in our life that don’t deal with their pain, and then (though I don’t have children) we shoulder our children’s pain as well.

How much can one person handle? How much pain you take on everyday and still function? How do we get out of bed in the morning and do what needs to be done while internally dealing with four million different things? It’s a complete mystery to me.

Just coming out of a relationship myself, I’ve been through more emotions in the last week that I thought humanly possible. And all I can do is sit here and write and ask myself how? How do people deal with this? How do people just keep going? I know the answer is, because we don’t have a choice. And all sorts of other cliché things, like everything in life happens for a reason. What’s meant to be will be. It is what it is. You can’t change someone that doesn’t want to be changed. Look at the big picture.

Let me tell you something, I’m looking at the big picture and all I see is that it gets more and more complicated the older we get. It becomes harder to meet people that don’t have “emotional baggage.” Responsibilities become bigger. The bills become bigger. We want a bigger house. A nicer car. Or something else we’ve convinced ourselves that if we can just get that one thing, we’ll be happier.

I’ve tried to focus on myself. I’ve tried to focus on what I need and want out of life. I’ve tried to tell myself I don’t need material things. I don’t need a man to make me happy. I don’t need anyone else to make my life great. Is it just me? Am I the only person who doesn’t believe this bullshit? Everywhere you turn around in today’s society, it’s about love and marriage and life and work and material stuff. How do people overcome that? How does an average person working hard to make their life above average ever get to that next level? And when they do get to that next level, how do they slow down and enjoy it? Someone please explain it to me.

Explain to me how I went from an idealistic little girl that wanted to have a career and buy a nice house and live a good life so that my kids wouldn’t want for anything. To a woman that doesn’t know what she’s working for anymore.

I’m sure you’ve heard that it’s better to write down your goals. Develop a picture of what you want and work towards that. What happens if the picture is constantly changing? One day the picture says one thing and the next day it’s completely different.

How have I become so jaded that the idea of dating makes me want to cry? How have I become so unsure of myself? How does a normal person deal with these things? I’ve tried it all, great friends, good wine, a therapist. Sometimes, I do achieve these great moments of clarity where I feel like I’ve got it figured out, just to wake up the next day to see that the picture has changed again.

Does this make me a crazy person? I mean, I’ve polled the people close to me in my life and they all feel pretty similar. But, I’ve never asked the masses. I’ve never asked people that don’t know me or know my situation if I’m completely off the mark here.

If you ask people that have known me a long period of time, they would tell you that this sounds insane coming from someone like me. Someone like myself, who always seemed to so put together. There’s not one thing I’ve set out to do, that I haven’t done. I don’t mean that in a conceited way at all, but it’s true. Every life goal I’ve set for myself, I’ve accomplished. And instead of feeling accomplished and happy and content – I feel worse. I feel like I’m working towards an invisible goal.