There's something to be said for taking a stand. It's a different experience, and most people tend to be afraid of it . Particularly because taking a stand often takes you completely out of your comfort zone and the choices that you're faced with aren't always the best case scenario.
On the heels of my blog about control, I finally took control of a situation and took a stand for myself. Those of you that know me well are probably laughing right now. You're probably thinking that I have no problem speaking my mind and standing up for what I believe in. However, if you look closely - it's usually taking a stand for YOU. I have no problem standing up for the people in my life. If I feel like someone is treating you poorly - I'll be the first one there for you. When it comes to myself - well, that's a whole different story.
We've had this conversation 42 times before and we'll probably have it 42 more times before I ever really figure out the answer - but what is it about women that allows us to constantly put ourself in situations that we're not okay with - and doing NOTHING to get out?! I'm not refering to a dire situation like an abusive relationship or anything like that, but the more women I talk to the more of us, I learn, have been in a situation where we weren't getting our needs met, the respect we deserve, and the happiness that we all want.
Why is it so scary to walk away from a situation that isn't what we need/want it to be? Of course, as most of my blogs do, I'm refering to relationships. Think about it - how many of us (yes, I'm refering to the beautiful women in my life) are in a situation that truly, truly makes us happy? I hope the answer is yes for all of you - but I'm willing to bet more than HALF wish they were getting something more from their current relationship. And of that HALF ...how many are doing something to change it? And I don't mean to sound like an ass here, I know that there are lot of factors that go into staying in a relationship or leaving one. And I also know NOTHING about marriage and could never begin to understand the decision making process that would go into removing yourself from an unhealthy situation there....but really, really think about it. What are you doing to change things? As I'm sure you've ALL heard me say - the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
Though I don't believe the relationship I was in was unhealthy - I know that I wasn't happy. I simply wasn't getting what I needed/wanted from the sutation. And it was a startling thing to say that out loud. Sad, huh? To talk to my friends and say that this just wasn't working for me - well, I don't know when the last time I did that!
For so many years I just DIDN'T date and DIDN'T really let anyone that far into my life - and for the last two years have become somewhat of a "serial" dater, I really can't remember the last time I just walked away. It's particularly hard as a woman, as we tend to look for the best in people anyway. And in this particular situation, I must be honest, he really wasn't a bad guy. He wasn't mean to me. He wasn't disrespectful - he just wasn't what I needed. So I walked away. And again - for those of you super close to me - you know I don't do well with ending relationships....whether I'm calling the shots or not. It's a grieving process I'm still learning how to go through. But, I must say, that knowing I stood up for myself, knowing that I removed myself from a situation that could've very quickly spiraled out of control - well it makes that ending part A LOT less painful.
And I really can't thank you all enough for being FANTASTIC friends! The number of you that are constantly there for me still surprises me. I don't really know why - as you always have been - but it still makes me smile each time one of you reaches out and expresses your love and concern. So thank you for that.
love, love, love
xoxo
rye
Friday, August 7, 2009
Friday, July 31, 2009
Control
So it's been awhile since I've written. Of course, not because I haven't had anything to say. I guess I just haven't had the urge to share :)
I was re-reading a few of my old posts and realize at that time I was making a lot of forward momentum. I don't really think the momentum has stopped, but a few things have slipped. However, a few other things have gotten better.
It's safe to say I need to get my lazy ass back in the gym. For a solid 3-4 months I was there 4-5 times a week...sadly I've only been there 3 times in the last two weeks. Goal number 1 - get back where I was.
It's also safe to say that my world at work is ever evolving and changing. Some days are good and some days are bad. I have however gotten much better at managing the bad days and taking advantage of the good days. Goal number 2 - have more good days.
And the real reason I've chosen to share my thoughts with you all today - Goal number 3 - let go of the things I can't control. Believe it or not, I've been called a control freak once or twice in my day. I always thought of it as ambition, strength, or power. However, I'm learning it's added stress, added anxiety, and pushing people close to me away.
I know you're supposed to focus on the things you can change and not let the ones you can't get stop you from reaching your goals. I've always known this. As a commissioned sales rep, we're told that all the time. You control your income, you control how many calls you make each day, you control how many hours you put in, etc. And yes, I have control over those things.
The things I can't control - people. I shared with someone recently that some people say that you have to teach people how to treat you. I gave it some thought and don't know if I necessarily believe that this is true. I think that you have to see how someone treats you and decide if you're okay with it. I think it's fair to ask someone to treat you differently and tell someone when they hurt or upset you. But there comes a point where you have to realize that you cannot change people. You cannot "teach" them how to communicate with you.
The only thing you can change is how you deal with it. You've asked someone to do something differently. You've told them what you need and want from them. They respond in a certain way - and perhaps it's not one you're okay with. Where do you go from there?
In a control freak's world - you obsess. You constantly think and talk about how you just don't understand how someone thinks that this certain behavior is okay. You roll it over and over in your head and wonder what they hell is wrong with this other person. You write about it (yes, I know, I'm a control freak), you read books about it, you watch movies about it - and still can't figure out what you can do to make this other person understand you and do what you need them to do!
But in actuality, as I'm learning, the problem is internal. You can only ask for so much from someone. If they refuse to give you want you need/want - you have two choices. Be okay with it and learn to work with them anyway.... or move on. This is something you can control.
I know in my world that this is going to be an ongoing process for me. To let go of the control. To stop obsessing. To stop trying to change things that I personally CANNOT change. Do you know how much time and energy I spend thinking about things that are so far away from my control they may as well be on another planet? If I told you, it would make you sick.
So my goal - along with getting back in the gym and having more good days - is to stop trying to change the things I cannot control. Whether it be work, friends, relationships, etc. I can't control whether or not someone else is late. I cannot control whether or not a friend returns a phone call. I cannot control what my management team at work decides to do.
So from here forward - I need to learn to let go of control and let things happen. And then decide whether or not - I'm okay with the situation and move on accordingly....
Hmmm...strange feeling this will be easier said than done.
And since one of the many things we can control are our thoughts - decide to have a great weekend!
xoxo
rye
I was re-reading a few of my old posts and realize at that time I was making a lot of forward momentum. I don't really think the momentum has stopped, but a few things have slipped. However, a few other things have gotten better.
It's safe to say I need to get my lazy ass back in the gym. For a solid 3-4 months I was there 4-5 times a week...sadly I've only been there 3 times in the last two weeks. Goal number 1 - get back where I was.
It's also safe to say that my world at work is ever evolving and changing. Some days are good and some days are bad. I have however gotten much better at managing the bad days and taking advantage of the good days. Goal number 2 - have more good days.
And the real reason I've chosen to share my thoughts with you all today - Goal number 3 - let go of the things I can't control. Believe it or not, I've been called a control freak once or twice in my day. I always thought of it as ambition, strength, or power. However, I'm learning it's added stress, added anxiety, and pushing people close to me away.
I know you're supposed to focus on the things you can change and not let the ones you can't get stop you from reaching your goals. I've always known this. As a commissioned sales rep, we're told that all the time. You control your income, you control how many calls you make each day, you control how many hours you put in, etc. And yes, I have control over those things.
The things I can't control - people. I shared with someone recently that some people say that you have to teach people how to treat you. I gave it some thought and don't know if I necessarily believe that this is true. I think that you have to see how someone treats you and decide if you're okay with it. I think it's fair to ask someone to treat you differently and tell someone when they hurt or upset you. But there comes a point where you have to realize that you cannot change people. You cannot "teach" them how to communicate with you.
The only thing you can change is how you deal with it. You've asked someone to do something differently. You've told them what you need and want from them. They respond in a certain way - and perhaps it's not one you're okay with. Where do you go from there?
In a control freak's world - you obsess. You constantly think and talk about how you just don't understand how someone thinks that this certain behavior is okay. You roll it over and over in your head and wonder what they hell is wrong with this other person. You write about it (yes, I know, I'm a control freak), you read books about it, you watch movies about it - and still can't figure out what you can do to make this other person understand you and do what you need them to do!
But in actuality, as I'm learning, the problem is internal. You can only ask for so much from someone. If they refuse to give you want you need/want - you have two choices. Be okay with it and learn to work with them anyway.... or move on. This is something you can control.
I know in my world that this is going to be an ongoing process for me. To let go of the control. To stop obsessing. To stop trying to change things that I personally CANNOT change. Do you know how much time and energy I spend thinking about things that are so far away from my control they may as well be on another planet? If I told you, it would make you sick.
So my goal - along with getting back in the gym and having more good days - is to stop trying to change the things I cannot control. Whether it be work, friends, relationships, etc. I can't control whether or not someone else is late. I cannot control whether or not a friend returns a phone call. I cannot control what my management team at work decides to do.
So from here forward - I need to learn to let go of control and let things happen. And then decide whether or not - I'm okay with the situation and move on accordingly....
Hmmm...strange feeling this will be easier said than done.
And since one of the many things we can control are our thoughts - decide to have a great weekend!
xoxo
rye
Friday, April 17, 2009
How are you being?
It's officially happened. I'm officially old ;)
I never thought the day would come where you would find me in grad school, much less blogging about a topic we discussed in class. But, yes, it's happening.
Last night in my Business Ethics class we discussed Virtue Ethics, which in short, means "Be Good." And what we really discussed is that there is a big difference between doing good and being good. Doing is an activity, being is about character.
Something my professor asked all of us was, what is the first question you ask someone that you haven't seen in quite some time (the example he used was a college/high school reunion)? It's usually, how are doing? Or, what are you doing these days? Which in turn prompts responses like - I'm great, I work for XYZ, I'm married/divorced/single, I do/do not have kids, I've moved to a new city, etc. I believe we ask this question out of a rather selfish place in most instances. We want to know how we stack up.
At the risk of getting a little too personal, wouldn't a more appropriate question be - How are you being? Please, ignore the grammatical errors in that sentence. But, it's true. What we do for a living, our marital status, and where we live are simply things that often time have very little to do with who we are. Sure, having a title in a phenomenal organization is a great thing - and still a big goal of mine. However, it has little to do with what makes us tick, our actual character - the stuff most people don't like to talk about!
In all honesty, what it comes to character - the question you should ask yourself is who should I be? Not, what should I do? Character isn't something we're born with. It' something that is shaped. I take this to mean that it's something we can change. If we don't like the person that we're "being," can't we change it? Can't we work at the person we want to be and become better people every day?
And, to the point you were all waiting for, which was for me to stop lecturing and to start relating all of this to my personal life. After all - this is what I do ;)
I think back over the past several years of my life and realize that people have a very interesting perception of me. And, as they say, perception is reality. In my case, I'm in big trouble. My friends (and I love you all dearly) seem to think I'm a bitch. Joe used to refer to me as prissy and high maintenance (no wonder that didn't work out!). Cherie refers to me as strong and ambitious. And Kelley and Carlos - just don't mess around - they call me a bitch (again, I love you and am really not insulted). At one point in my life, I used to be proud of that statement. That's right, I am a bitch. People don't mess with me, I know what I want and I know how to get it. The bitchier I was on the outside, the less it hurt on the inside. The more people were intimiated or afraid to approach me, the more "power" I had.
Perhaps it's old age, perhaps it's the new location and the mentality here, and perhaps its just a new, different outlook on life - but I don't really want to be known like that anymore. Yes, I know what I want out of life. Yes, I work hard to get where I want to be. Yes, I will protect/defend my friends. Yes, I will be honest with you, even if you don't want to hear what I have to say. No, I do not want people to walk all over me or take advantage of me, but I think these things can be accomplished with out "being" a bitch. See how this all ties in - how are you being? Well, I'm tired of being a bitch.
I know some of you think you're off the hook. You're thinking - YES! She'll finally quit running her mouth and forcing her opinion on me. No such luck :) I guess it's all in the approach. It's about changing and shaping my character for the next steps in my life.
For those of you that are close to me, you know that April has been a very quiet month. On the 17th of this month, I can successfully say that I have only drank twice, have worked out 5-6 days a week, have done my homework several days before it was due (insane, I know), and gotten a solid 6-8 hours of sleep every night. Don't get me wrong, I'm busier than ever, but socially, it's been quiet. It's been good, but I'm ready for a little excitment. Doing homework on a Friday night isn't a s fun as it sounds. And having only put on heels to go to work is a sad, sad thing for a 25 year old to say, but it's all true. I've also found a new church that I have found to be pretty interesting. It's something I've said for a long time, that I wanted to find a church that actually discusses real issues that people deal with and don't condemn you for being imperfect. It's certainly been a learning experience and something I hope to continue with.
With all of this said, I CANNOT wait for next weekend when I can spend some time with my friends, drink a few beers (maybe more than a few), get allllll dressed up and girlie and socialize with people outside of my "circle." Not that I don't love my fantastic circle of friends, but I'm feeling a bit socially starved.
Whew, how did I get so off track! I was talking about being good. That's what I want. I want to be the type of person that can say what's on my mind without insulting someone. Believe it or not, this was a challenge for quite some time. Those of you that have known me for a long time, know that I've definitely softened, but still have some room to grow.
Two instances I can think of that have shown me that I'm definitely changing. One, Cherie and I got into a pretty huge fight earlier this week. This is something that rarely/never happens. I can't say that since we've reconnected about a year ago that we've disagreed so strongly about something. And wow, did she piss me off. And yes, I thought 90% of what came out of her mouth was completely wrong, but I somehow managed to apologize for upsetting her, explain to her what I was trying to accomplish, and somehow get my stubborn-ass best friend to realize that I wasn't attacking her. I was merely explaining how I felt - and that she wasn't required to agree with me, just try to understand me. It's safe to say, two or three years ago, we still wouldn't be speaking and probably wouldn't for quite some time.
Two, I've had to sadly let some people in my life go. People that I knew were exhausting more emotion/energy that I had to give them, or rather than they deserved. It's a sad thing, firing someone from your life, considering one of these people has been in my life for years and years. But, for my own mental/physical/emotional well-being, it was time to move on with good memories to smile about rather than resentment and anger. Well, a few days ago one of these people wanted to know what they had done wrong and why I'd made this choice. I knew that the answer was harsh and would likely insult this person. Instead of firing off like I wanted to, I specifically asked her if she really wanted to know, because I knew she didn't want to hear it. She insisted upon it, and I unloaded in the nicest possible way someone can deliver a rather insulting explanation. Needless to say, drama ensued. And I felt terrible about it. I felt bad for upsetting this person, for telling them something they didn't want to hear, and down right insulting them. Not something I'm used to - feeling bad for speaking my mind.
I realize at this point I'm rambling, but I couldn't help but find the coincidence in the situation. The way I'd been feeling and the things I've been doing tying directly into my lecture in class made it clear that I was on to something. And as I love to do, some challenges for my beautiful friends.
Think about how you're being, not how you're doing. Think about your character. Think about what goes through your head - and how that translates into your actions. A great question I heard posed a few weeks ago was, would you make the same choice if everyone knew about it? Who are you when no one is looking?
Interesting stuff on a Friday afternoon, I know.
I love and miss you all.
xoxoxo
rye
I never thought the day would come where you would find me in grad school, much less blogging about a topic we discussed in class. But, yes, it's happening.
Last night in my Business Ethics class we discussed Virtue Ethics, which in short, means "Be Good." And what we really discussed is that there is a big difference between doing good and being good. Doing is an activity, being is about character.
Something my professor asked all of us was, what is the first question you ask someone that you haven't seen in quite some time (the example he used was a college/high school reunion)? It's usually, how are doing? Or, what are you doing these days? Which in turn prompts responses like - I'm great, I work for XYZ, I'm married/divorced/single, I do/do not have kids, I've moved to a new city, etc. I believe we ask this question out of a rather selfish place in most instances. We want to know how we stack up.
At the risk of getting a little too personal, wouldn't a more appropriate question be - How are you being? Please, ignore the grammatical errors in that sentence. But, it's true. What we do for a living, our marital status, and where we live are simply things that often time have very little to do with who we are. Sure, having a title in a phenomenal organization is a great thing - and still a big goal of mine. However, it has little to do with what makes us tick, our actual character - the stuff most people don't like to talk about!
In all honesty, what it comes to character - the question you should ask yourself is who should I be? Not, what should I do? Character isn't something we're born with. It' something that is shaped. I take this to mean that it's something we can change. If we don't like the person that we're "being," can't we change it? Can't we work at the person we want to be and become better people every day?
And, to the point you were all waiting for, which was for me to stop lecturing and to start relating all of this to my personal life. After all - this is what I do ;)
I think back over the past several years of my life and realize that people have a very interesting perception of me. And, as they say, perception is reality. In my case, I'm in big trouble. My friends (and I love you all dearly) seem to think I'm a bitch. Joe used to refer to me as prissy and high maintenance (no wonder that didn't work out!). Cherie refers to me as strong and ambitious. And Kelley and Carlos - just don't mess around - they call me a bitch (again, I love you and am really not insulted). At one point in my life, I used to be proud of that statement. That's right, I am a bitch. People don't mess with me, I know what I want and I know how to get it. The bitchier I was on the outside, the less it hurt on the inside. The more people were intimiated or afraid to approach me, the more "power" I had.
Perhaps it's old age, perhaps it's the new location and the mentality here, and perhaps its just a new, different outlook on life - but I don't really want to be known like that anymore. Yes, I know what I want out of life. Yes, I work hard to get where I want to be. Yes, I will protect/defend my friends. Yes, I will be honest with you, even if you don't want to hear what I have to say. No, I do not want people to walk all over me or take advantage of me, but I think these things can be accomplished with out "being" a bitch. See how this all ties in - how are you being? Well, I'm tired of being a bitch.
I know some of you think you're off the hook. You're thinking - YES! She'll finally quit running her mouth and forcing her opinion on me. No such luck :) I guess it's all in the approach. It's about changing and shaping my character for the next steps in my life.
For those of you that are close to me, you know that April has been a very quiet month. On the 17th of this month, I can successfully say that I have only drank twice, have worked out 5-6 days a week, have done my homework several days before it was due (insane, I know), and gotten a solid 6-8 hours of sleep every night. Don't get me wrong, I'm busier than ever, but socially, it's been quiet. It's been good, but I'm ready for a little excitment. Doing homework on a Friday night isn't a s fun as it sounds. And having only put on heels to go to work is a sad, sad thing for a 25 year old to say, but it's all true. I've also found a new church that I have found to be pretty interesting. It's something I've said for a long time, that I wanted to find a church that actually discusses real issues that people deal with and don't condemn you for being imperfect. It's certainly been a learning experience and something I hope to continue with.
With all of this said, I CANNOT wait for next weekend when I can spend some time with my friends, drink a few beers (maybe more than a few), get allllll dressed up and girlie and socialize with people outside of my "circle." Not that I don't love my fantastic circle of friends, but I'm feeling a bit socially starved.
Whew, how did I get so off track! I was talking about being good. That's what I want. I want to be the type of person that can say what's on my mind without insulting someone. Believe it or not, this was a challenge for quite some time. Those of you that have known me for a long time, know that I've definitely softened, but still have some room to grow.
Two instances I can think of that have shown me that I'm definitely changing. One, Cherie and I got into a pretty huge fight earlier this week. This is something that rarely/never happens. I can't say that since we've reconnected about a year ago that we've disagreed so strongly about something. And wow, did she piss me off. And yes, I thought 90% of what came out of her mouth was completely wrong, but I somehow managed to apologize for upsetting her, explain to her what I was trying to accomplish, and somehow get my stubborn-ass best friend to realize that I wasn't attacking her. I was merely explaining how I felt - and that she wasn't required to agree with me, just try to understand me. It's safe to say, two or three years ago, we still wouldn't be speaking and probably wouldn't for quite some time.
Two, I've had to sadly let some people in my life go. People that I knew were exhausting more emotion/energy that I had to give them, or rather than they deserved. It's a sad thing, firing someone from your life, considering one of these people has been in my life for years and years. But, for my own mental/physical/emotional well-being, it was time to move on with good memories to smile about rather than resentment and anger. Well, a few days ago one of these people wanted to know what they had done wrong and why I'd made this choice. I knew that the answer was harsh and would likely insult this person. Instead of firing off like I wanted to, I specifically asked her if she really wanted to know, because I knew she didn't want to hear it. She insisted upon it, and I unloaded in the nicest possible way someone can deliver a rather insulting explanation. Needless to say, drama ensued. And I felt terrible about it. I felt bad for upsetting this person, for telling them something they didn't want to hear, and down right insulting them. Not something I'm used to - feeling bad for speaking my mind.
I realize at this point I'm rambling, but I couldn't help but find the coincidence in the situation. The way I'd been feeling and the things I've been doing tying directly into my lecture in class made it clear that I was on to something. And as I love to do, some challenges for my beautiful friends.
Think about how you're being, not how you're doing. Think about your character. Think about what goes through your head - and how that translates into your actions. A great question I heard posed a few weeks ago was, would you make the same choice if everyone knew about it? Who are you when no one is looking?
Interesting stuff on a Friday afternoon, I know.
I love and miss you all.
xoxoxo
rye
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Moving forward
You all know me and my moments of clarity. Though they're fleeting - when they happen, it's like poof - clarity. And it feels great.
It's been a very drama-free couple of weeks. As I've shared with some of you, I don't know if it's the weather, the lack of situational bullshit, or being just plain tired of it all - but it's been very good. As I near the 1 year mark in Kansas City, I can't help but be excited about what the future holds.
Here's the deal - I can look back on the long, crazy, painful road I've been down and smile. I know that everything that I've been though has led to me where I am right now. And though I know it won't be easy and painless as I move forward, at least I'm moving forward.
I can finally say, in my heart of hearts, to all of you, that I finally feel like I have some forward momentum. Work is tougher than it's ever been. Repairing a broken heart is one of the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. But when you look at the big picture, I'm 25. I'm only 25 years old. And (God willing) I have so, so much more to accomplish. I have so much more to look forward to in life. But looking back, I have to admit that I was treading water. I was standing still. I was dwelling on the past. And though it's been said that the past made us who we are today, living in it will not make a better future.
I've always had a very clear vision of my future. I've also pictured the life I would lead. And though I'm not sure if the life I once wanted is still the life I want right now, all I know is that I'm building a life. I'm making friends. I'm doing things I would've never done 6 months ago. I'm meeting people. I'm establishing a name for myself in Kansas City. It's an empowering and frightening thing all the same time. I can't completely explain - but I can tell you that I'm ready. I'm ready for the next step. I'm ready to move forward. I'm ready to embrace everything that comes my way. I'm even brave enough to say that I'm ready to face the ridiculously uphill battle that our current economic situation has put us in.
Perhaps it's not total clarity. Perhaps it doesn't make sense to all of you. But, the truth is, this is just the beginning. And I can't wait to see what the future holds. I'm learning that a lot of my blogs have a very similar theme, but as each day presents a new and different challenge, I am forced to reevaluate and look at the current situation. And though this isn't the perfect situation, it's the one I'm in. And it's one I can't control. And learning to let go of the things we can't control (at least for me) is really the hardest part.
I love all of you and couldn't do it without you. Thank you for your belief, support, and love. It's truly what gets me through each day.
love, love, love
rye
It's been a very drama-free couple of weeks. As I've shared with some of you, I don't know if it's the weather, the lack of situational bullshit, or being just plain tired of it all - but it's been very good. As I near the 1 year mark in Kansas City, I can't help but be excited about what the future holds.
Here's the deal - I can look back on the long, crazy, painful road I've been down and smile. I know that everything that I've been though has led to me where I am right now. And though I know it won't be easy and painless as I move forward, at least I'm moving forward.
I can finally say, in my heart of hearts, to all of you, that I finally feel like I have some forward momentum. Work is tougher than it's ever been. Repairing a broken heart is one of the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. But when you look at the big picture, I'm 25. I'm only 25 years old. And (God willing) I have so, so much more to accomplish. I have so much more to look forward to in life. But looking back, I have to admit that I was treading water. I was standing still. I was dwelling on the past. And though it's been said that the past made us who we are today, living in it will not make a better future.
I've always had a very clear vision of my future. I've also pictured the life I would lead. And though I'm not sure if the life I once wanted is still the life I want right now, all I know is that I'm building a life. I'm making friends. I'm doing things I would've never done 6 months ago. I'm meeting people. I'm establishing a name for myself in Kansas City. It's an empowering and frightening thing all the same time. I can't completely explain - but I can tell you that I'm ready. I'm ready for the next step. I'm ready to move forward. I'm ready to embrace everything that comes my way. I'm even brave enough to say that I'm ready to face the ridiculously uphill battle that our current economic situation has put us in.
Perhaps it's not total clarity. Perhaps it doesn't make sense to all of you. But, the truth is, this is just the beginning. And I can't wait to see what the future holds. I'm learning that a lot of my blogs have a very similar theme, but as each day presents a new and different challenge, I am forced to reevaluate and look at the current situation. And though this isn't the perfect situation, it's the one I'm in. And it's one I can't control. And learning to let go of the things we can't control (at least for me) is really the hardest part.
I love all of you and couldn't do it without you. Thank you for your belief, support, and love. It's truly what gets me through each day.
love, love, love
rye
Monday, March 9, 2009
Staying connected....
You all know by now that I fight growing and changing . Okay, maybe more changing, then growing - but you know what I'm saying. I would have never thought that I would be one of those people, but I'm learning that I truly am. My girlfriend Kelley once told me that I didn't like change unless I was the one initiating it. At the time, this was several years ago, I thought she was insane. My whole life has been about change, at least since I turned 18. But, I'm thinking, my dear friend Kelley is correct. She has knack for this kind of stuff.
I keep reminding myself that it took me a full year to feel at home in Orlando. And, I'm realizing with each passing day that brings me closer and closer to a year, that Kansas City is starting to feel like home. I'm also learning a lot about myself. I learned that I feel more than I ever thought I did. I've learned that I worry wayyyy too much about other people and not nearly enough about myself. And, I've learned that no matter how hard you try to stop change, you just can't. I have no idea who I'm quoting when I say this - but the only thing in life that is certain, is change.
In the past 10 months in Kansas City, I've met and reconnected with some pretty amazing people. I've learned that a lot of people that I may have judged in the past, are actually pretty great. However, in this journey, I've sadly lost touch with a lot of people that were an important part of my life at one time or another.
It's extremely hard for me to articulate all of this, as I'm not trying to be conceited or bitchy. I've always been known as a connector. I LOVE meeting new people, then introducing them to my current friends, and continually growing a "group." I would say it's one of the things I'm very proud of and good at. I know I've connected a lot of people that will remain friends for a very long time.
However, in all the time I've spent connecting others, I feel as if I've lost touch with those that I was once connected to. It gets harder and harder as we get older to keep in touch. Which is strange, since technology makes it so easy. You can text while you're in a meeting, you get on Facebook in a bar, and you can email from your phone. Sure, it's not the personal phone call, but it's a simple act of, "I'm thinking about you."
I must admit there are times when I literally feel guilty for not texting someone back, returning an email or a phone call, or forgetting to comment on someone's great new photo on Facebook. I know it sounds silly, but it's true. And lately, I've been really bad about doing these things. I've been spending a lot of time trying to clear the drama from my life, and in turn, have cleared a lot of the good things in my life with it.
I miss my friends. I miss learning about your lives and knowing what's going on. I hate that the fact that some of you only know what's going on in my life via my blog. I do suppose that's why I blog, but I miss that personal connection. That connection that makes me say, oh wow, I miss you. And I do miss all of my friends that don't live in Kansas City so much. I think it's safe to say some days it hurts. But somedays, I'm just too tired, worn out, or distracted to make that phone call. So, more and more time passes, then it's no longer a 10 minute conversation, and then the connection is farther and farther away. And I hate it.
I love the new things going on in all of your worlds. I love that we're all growing and changing and becoming new, better versions of ourselves. I just hate that we aren't all as connected as we once were. So, to my friends that I don't see often, I love you and miss you terribly, and would LOVE to hear your voice. To my friends here in Kansas City, I'm so glad we've met/reconnected and look forward to a fantastic summer together!
love, love, love
I keep reminding myself that it took me a full year to feel at home in Orlando. And, I'm realizing with each passing day that brings me closer and closer to a year, that Kansas City is starting to feel like home. I'm also learning a lot about myself. I learned that I feel more than I ever thought I did. I've learned that I worry wayyyy too much about other people and not nearly enough about myself. And, I've learned that no matter how hard you try to stop change, you just can't. I have no idea who I'm quoting when I say this - but the only thing in life that is certain, is change.
In the past 10 months in Kansas City, I've met and reconnected with some pretty amazing people. I've learned that a lot of people that I may have judged in the past, are actually pretty great. However, in this journey, I've sadly lost touch with a lot of people that were an important part of my life at one time or another.
It's extremely hard for me to articulate all of this, as I'm not trying to be conceited or bitchy. I've always been known as a connector. I LOVE meeting new people, then introducing them to my current friends, and continually growing a "group." I would say it's one of the things I'm very proud of and good at. I know I've connected a lot of people that will remain friends for a very long time.
However, in all the time I've spent connecting others, I feel as if I've lost touch with those that I was once connected to. It gets harder and harder as we get older to keep in touch. Which is strange, since technology makes it so easy. You can text while you're in a meeting, you get on Facebook in a bar, and you can email from your phone. Sure, it's not the personal phone call, but it's a simple act of, "I'm thinking about you."
I must admit there are times when I literally feel guilty for not texting someone back, returning an email or a phone call, or forgetting to comment on someone's great new photo on Facebook. I know it sounds silly, but it's true. And lately, I've been really bad about doing these things. I've been spending a lot of time trying to clear the drama from my life, and in turn, have cleared a lot of the good things in my life with it.
I miss my friends. I miss learning about your lives and knowing what's going on. I hate that the fact that some of you only know what's going on in my life via my blog. I do suppose that's why I blog, but I miss that personal connection. That connection that makes me say, oh wow, I miss you. And I do miss all of my friends that don't live in Kansas City so much. I think it's safe to say some days it hurts. But somedays, I'm just too tired, worn out, or distracted to make that phone call. So, more and more time passes, then it's no longer a 10 minute conversation, and then the connection is farther and farther away. And I hate it.
I love the new things going on in all of your worlds. I love that we're all growing and changing and becoming new, better versions of ourselves. I just hate that we aren't all as connected as we once were. So, to my friends that I don't see often, I love you and miss you terribly, and would LOVE to hear your voice. To my friends here in Kansas City, I'm so glad we've met/reconnected and look forward to a fantastic summer together!
love, love, love
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Don't date THIS guy....
I was unsure as to whether or not to share this story. First of all, because it's mildly embarassing and second of all, I can't believe it really happened. But, entertainment and shock value win. Grab some popcorn - this one's good!!
Needless to say - the hiatus didn't go as planned. Less than 24 hours after I made my decision to do this a certain guy decided to reappear. Me, being the idiot I am, didn't tell him to go away. So the next two weeks were crazy, dramatic, and ended with a bang!!!
Let's start at the beginning of meeting this guy. Let's call him....Jamie. That's a good name for him ;). I met him in a bar while crying over the breakup. I was out with friends trying to avoid sitting at home. Crying in your beer with friends is always better. Red flag number one, guy was hammered. But, he was from Tampa, he drove a BMW, and he bought my drinks. I gave him my number with NO expectation of hearing from him. The next day, around 9:30am as I'm sitting at my desk you can imagine my surprise to get a text from this Jamie character.
This is all pre-Christmas. He tries to make plans - but I'm not in any shape to go on a date, be charming or funny and impress someone. We must admire Jamie's persistence in all of this. He texted everyday. How are you? What's up? What do you for fun? Where are you from? Blah, blah, blah. Oh, red flag number two, guy has two kids, with two different women, in two different states. He's going to Tampa to spend Christmas with his mom and his son. But don't you worry friends - I hear from the fabulous Jamie EVERY DAY while he's in Tampa.
He returns pre-NYE but I'm not willing to share my NYE plans with some guy I don't know, so I ignore the constant ....suggestions that we spend it together. Before I get too far into the story I should point out that Jamie has mentioned to me that he used to a date a girl he worked with. Let's call her....Sara. Sara is his office manager at work, everyone warned him not date her, he did it anyway, drama ensued, it was over. I wasn't too worried about it - I wasn't looking for anything serious and I've come to the realization that we all have a past. No biggie...
New Year's Day Jamie wants me to join him at his friends house to watch football. We will call his friends Doug and Carrie. He calls and text messages alllll day. Those of you that know me know that I don't leave the house on New Year's Day. I lay on my couch all day long and love every minute of it. Red flag number three, guy has to call me on his drive home because he's had a little bit too much to drink. Awesome.
I finally agree to go for drinks with him on January 2. We got out, have fun, laugh. He's a TOTAL smart ass - which I love. He's almost as quick witted as I am and he fights with everything I say. I figure this is exactly what I need. Everyone needs a rebound guy - and this dude's perfect for it!
We make plans for the following week, I cancel on him and reschedule for the following weekend. He's got a friend in town (we'll call him Mike), but still wants to meet up. We have beers, have a great time, things are good. We hang out that whole weekend, he finally meets my sister and passes pre-approval. Next step, Cherie.
The next couple of weeks are spent watching movies, hanging out - nothing major. Just having fun. Meanwhile, he's Mr. Wonderful. He calls when he's supposed to, text messages all the time, constantly wants to hang out, just sugar sweet. And I'm loving every minute of it - I won't lie. I can't buy myself a cup of coffee with this guy around, he drives everywhere, and he likes to go do things. It's great.
He meets Cherie - passes her inspection. Totally clicks with her - laughs at her jokes and doesn't take her shit. This is huge in my world. I finally get to meet Doug and Carrie. Absolutely love them. They're funny, they're fun and just great people. This is the night that I decided that Jamie might actually fit into my world. Cherie calls me, crying. I'm at Doug and Carrie's and nowhere near her or my car. I told Jamie she was crying - and his question was - what do you need? I can take you to your car, I can take her to you. Whatever you need. I was impressed. We leave Doug and Carrie's go to the bar to meet alllll of my friends (Cherie was with them). Super fun, he's great with my friends, he loves that I have my own friends and a life here. I finally tell him about the breakup and that I'm not looking for anything serious and that I'm really trying to find my place here in KC. He's awesome about it all. I'm thinking...this is good stuff.
Following weekend is SuperBowl weekend. We go to Doug and Carrie's to plan and make lists of groceries and everything else we need. We get a ton of beer, food, and everything else. This is also the weekend of the infamous Wii Bowling tournament. Sadly, I lost. But it was still a blast. Super Bowl Sunday is great. I have my Cardinals T-Shirt that Jamie bought me. Just a killer weekend. Shan and Cherie are there, Mike's in town - good stuff again.
The whole week he's Mr. Wonderful. He knows I'm going out of town over the weekend with my girlfriends so he comes over to help Cherie and I pack and make Apple Pie. I believe it was that week that he tried to get me to talk to him about not seeing other people. He's drunk (in which case, he doesn't remember). Red flag number four - guy gets black out drunk ALL the time. I promptly blow off any serious questions while he's drunk. Before I go out of town I meet him and his friends for lunch. I get a kiss goodbye, have a good weekend.
I'm telling you, I couldn't turn around without this guy up my ass. Calls, text messages, emails, you name it. At one point, Cherie threatened to take my phone from me. I fell asleep and he called and called until Lish answered the phone. The next morning, 8a - he calls. Hey babe, how was your night. Red flag number five, he got thrown out of the bar the night before and doesn't remember why. All weekend, he's like are you coming over on Sunday? I'm like sure, we're coming home early, I'll come hang out. We made plans for around 6 or so. He calls while I'm at my Mom's and says he's got some work stuff he's gotta do and changes plans to 7:30. I leave his house that evening around 10.....and don't hear from him for 3 days.
Let me include some other background information:
Over the course of the last 6 weeks....
Cool, I'm good with that. But, you have my Britney CD and I want it back. He comes to my house, we talked, it's unproductive. But Sara calls, twice, while he's there. I don't think about it - I go to Omaha with the kids, don't hear from him, everything is good. I decide to go on my hiatus....everything is headed in the right direction.
Until Monday - when he calls and tells me he has a Bud Light with my name on it. Sadly, I'm lured by beer and a bad day and go over there. He's drunk (as usual) and apologizes for everything. He misses me. He's sorry. He's overwhelmed. He doesn't know what to do. Blah, blah, blah. I go to put his cell phone on the charger for him and notice he has a missed call, from Sara. I ask him about it - he swears he's not into her. Rye, she likes me. I can't help it. I work with her, I have to be careful how I handle all of this. She just calls sometimes when she's out with her friends. I mean, you knew we hung out, Rye. When I first moved here, I didn't have any friends and she and I hung out. Blah, blah, blah.
The rest of the week is uneventful, we go to lunch on Friday. We talk about things, sober. Nothing resolved again, he avoids eye contact, can't have a conversation without making a smart ass comment. However, the Sara story is the same. I figure at this point that things are fine. Not good, but they're fine. He stops by my office that afternoon with coffee. He calls while I'm on my way to the movies with my girlfriends, tries to get me to meet him for a drink. I say no, don't hear from him until Saturday morning. I have plans to go to Power and Light with my friends, and have invited Jamie, Doug, and Carrie. They meet us my house, we all go out - things are good. I'm on the phone with one of Jamie's co-workers telling him where we are, phone beeps, sure enough, text from Sara. Same story from Jamie. Sunday morning, Jamie's phone rings at 8:30a....guess who? Sara. At this point, I'm like really, no woman calls this often unprovoked. Jamie sticks to his story. We run errands, everything is cool, we go see his new condo, go to lunch, he asks me to spend the day with him. I say no, I'm going to take a nap I'll call you later. I call, no answer, don't hear from him.
At this point, I'm done. I fire off an email on Monday morning - listen, you're a good guy, I enjoy you - but I'm not 18 anymore and I will not be part of a situation like this. If you want to be a big boy and be honest - we're cool, otherwise, I want no part of it. I hear nothing back. Tuesday - I get a text, meet me and my boss for beers (I said no). He says he didn't get email, I resend, I don't hear from him. Things are quiet for a few days - I think it's a done deal and I'm completely cool with it- until I get an email from Sara on Friday afternoon.
Oh yes, in my work email on Friday afternoon, with a simple subject line that says "hello." I'll give Sara total credit for this one. The email was direct, it wasn't bitchy, and it was simply a girl trying to figure out why the guy she's dating is getting emails from me. Like I said, Jamie drinks a lot, and has a terrible habit of leaving his email open - both work and personal. She finds all of my emails and a few others that I won't even get into. Her email to me says that she didn't know I existed until a couple of days ago, that he told her I was just some girl, he didn't know me that well, we only hung out when we were drunk, and that I was the one into him. Basically, I'm a non-issue is what's he told her. Clearly - the emails prove otherwise.
Needless to say, email wasn't the forum to be honest with her - so I told her to call me. And to be quite honest, she's a cool chick. I told her everything - from soup to nuts. The entire story from the day I met this guy on December 18th. What we did, where we went, when I met his friends, and all of the super sweet things he used to say and do.
Here's the deal. Dude lied from GO. Everything - from the minute I told him my name was somehow laced with a lie. He told me that he and Sara were done around Thanksgiving. Lie. He told me they didn't talk or hang out anymore. Lie. He's paying child support for his kids. Lie.
The night of the Super Bowl party - he's calling her from outside. The night we watched movies when I got back from Eureka - he wasn't working - he was picking Sara up from the airport from the vacation HE PAID FOR! There are literally days that she and I probably missed each other by 20 minutes. We're both (Sara and I) amazed by all of this. I mean he snowed all of us. Sara (poor girl works with him!), myself, Cherie, Shannon, his friends. Everyone.
Beautiful thing about all of this - is even though he's caught, red handed, with evidence. He proceeds to lie. He tells Sara I'm making it all up. Everything. She's got emails with proof - and he's still lying. Better yet - after she confronts him, she leaves, he's calling me 10 minutes later to apologize. That's right - he's sorry and will I come meet him for a drink. Cause he clearly needs another one.
Whew, writing this was exhausting. I can imagine how it feels reading it. And I know what an ass I am for even getting involved past the disappearance. What's the saying? Live and Learn?!
But, yes, this is entirely a true story. This is my life. It's comical really. To be quite honest, it's Sara, Doug, Carrie, and Mike I worry about. They all had a lot more invested than I did - they've known him a lot longer! And they can't get rid of him - they work together (except Carrie). They have to deal with this drama everyday. Lucky me - I get to walk away. With a killer story. And hopefully new friends. I'd like to think that Sara and I will grab drinks together some day. Like I said, she's a cool chick. And Doug and Carrie - the coolest people you'll ever meet. Hearts of Gold. And Mike, Mike loves Jamie and he'll defend him to the death - but I'm hoping we can still chat when he comes to KC.
Good night friends....
love love love
Needless to say - the hiatus didn't go as planned. Less than 24 hours after I made my decision to do this a certain guy decided to reappear. Me, being the idiot I am, didn't tell him to go away. So the next two weeks were crazy, dramatic, and ended with a bang!!!
Let's start at the beginning of meeting this guy. Let's call him....Jamie. That's a good name for him ;). I met him in a bar while crying over the breakup. I was out with friends trying to avoid sitting at home. Crying in your beer with friends is always better. Red flag number one, guy was hammered. But, he was from Tampa, he drove a BMW, and he bought my drinks. I gave him my number with NO expectation of hearing from him. The next day, around 9:30am as I'm sitting at my desk you can imagine my surprise to get a text from this Jamie character.
This is all pre-Christmas. He tries to make plans - but I'm not in any shape to go on a date, be charming or funny and impress someone. We must admire Jamie's persistence in all of this. He texted everyday. How are you? What's up? What do you for fun? Where are you from? Blah, blah, blah. Oh, red flag number two, guy has two kids, with two different women, in two different states. He's going to Tampa to spend Christmas with his mom and his son. But don't you worry friends - I hear from the fabulous Jamie EVERY DAY while he's in Tampa.
He returns pre-NYE but I'm not willing to share my NYE plans with some guy I don't know, so I ignore the constant ....suggestions that we spend it together. Before I get too far into the story I should point out that Jamie has mentioned to me that he used to a date a girl he worked with. Let's call her....Sara. Sara is his office manager at work, everyone warned him not date her, he did it anyway, drama ensued, it was over. I wasn't too worried about it - I wasn't looking for anything serious and I've come to the realization that we all have a past. No biggie...
New Year's Day Jamie wants me to join him at his friends house to watch football. We will call his friends Doug and Carrie. He calls and text messages alllll day. Those of you that know me know that I don't leave the house on New Year's Day. I lay on my couch all day long and love every minute of it. Red flag number three, guy has to call me on his drive home because he's had a little bit too much to drink. Awesome.
I finally agree to go for drinks with him on January 2. We got out, have fun, laugh. He's a TOTAL smart ass - which I love. He's almost as quick witted as I am and he fights with everything I say. I figure this is exactly what I need. Everyone needs a rebound guy - and this dude's perfect for it!
We make plans for the following week, I cancel on him and reschedule for the following weekend. He's got a friend in town (we'll call him Mike), but still wants to meet up. We have beers, have a great time, things are good. We hang out that whole weekend, he finally meets my sister and passes pre-approval. Next step, Cherie.
The next couple of weeks are spent watching movies, hanging out - nothing major. Just having fun. Meanwhile, he's Mr. Wonderful. He calls when he's supposed to, text messages all the time, constantly wants to hang out, just sugar sweet. And I'm loving every minute of it - I won't lie. I can't buy myself a cup of coffee with this guy around, he drives everywhere, and he likes to go do things. It's great.
He meets Cherie - passes her inspection. Totally clicks with her - laughs at her jokes and doesn't take her shit. This is huge in my world. I finally get to meet Doug and Carrie. Absolutely love them. They're funny, they're fun and just great people. This is the night that I decided that Jamie might actually fit into my world. Cherie calls me, crying. I'm at Doug and Carrie's and nowhere near her or my car. I told Jamie she was crying - and his question was - what do you need? I can take you to your car, I can take her to you. Whatever you need. I was impressed. We leave Doug and Carrie's go to the bar to meet alllll of my friends (Cherie was with them). Super fun, he's great with my friends, he loves that I have my own friends and a life here. I finally tell him about the breakup and that I'm not looking for anything serious and that I'm really trying to find my place here in KC. He's awesome about it all. I'm thinking...this is good stuff.
Following weekend is SuperBowl weekend. We go to Doug and Carrie's to plan and make lists of groceries and everything else we need. We get a ton of beer, food, and everything else. This is also the weekend of the infamous Wii Bowling tournament. Sadly, I lost. But it was still a blast. Super Bowl Sunday is great. I have my Cardinals T-Shirt that Jamie bought me. Just a killer weekend. Shan and Cherie are there, Mike's in town - good stuff again.
The whole week he's Mr. Wonderful. He knows I'm going out of town over the weekend with my girlfriends so he comes over to help Cherie and I pack and make Apple Pie. I believe it was that week that he tried to get me to talk to him about not seeing other people. He's drunk (in which case, he doesn't remember). Red flag number four - guy gets black out drunk ALL the time. I promptly blow off any serious questions while he's drunk. Before I go out of town I meet him and his friends for lunch. I get a kiss goodbye, have a good weekend.
I'm telling you, I couldn't turn around without this guy up my ass. Calls, text messages, emails, you name it. At one point, Cherie threatened to take my phone from me. I fell asleep and he called and called until Lish answered the phone. The next morning, 8a - he calls. Hey babe, how was your night. Red flag number five, he got thrown out of the bar the night before and doesn't remember why. All weekend, he's like are you coming over on Sunday? I'm like sure, we're coming home early, I'll come hang out. We made plans for around 6 or so. He calls while I'm at my Mom's and says he's got some work stuff he's gotta do and changes plans to 7:30. I leave his house that evening around 10.....and don't hear from him for 3 days.
Let me include some other background information:
Over the course of the last 6 weeks....
He's tried to give me his free plane ticket so we can go to Florida and see our friends.
He's tried to get me to commit to a trip to Chicago in June.
The race in Daytona in July.
Birthday plans for him and Doug in March/April.
I've picked dates for his season Royal's tickets, including Cinco de Mayo. I literally got handed a calendar and told to pick what games I wanted.
He's claimed that Sara was the rebound girl (from Baby Mama #2) and that I was just perfect.
Oh, and for the record (according to him) - Sara's crazy. She's trying to screw him over at work. She's messing up all his billing and he's trying to put together a case to get her fired. Needless to say, Sara is a non-issue in his world (one would think).
He tells me that Sara is immature and crazy and I've got a great head on my shoulders and I work hard and I'm such a great girl, etc. I might point out that information is volunteered - I never asked about any of these things!
He used to call my phone and ask if he was talking the coolest chick in the world.
He told Doug and Carrie and Mike how great he thought I was. Hell, he told Shan and Cherie how much he liked me.
I must say - guy worked hard. He won over a lot of people.
So, the disapperance. Nothing for three days. Tells me there's a lot going out with both kids and both baby mamas and fixing his car that he wrecked and he's just overwhelmed and I'm wayyy to good of a girl to wait around for anyone.Cool, I'm good with that. But, you have my Britney CD and I want it back. He comes to my house, we talked, it's unproductive. But Sara calls, twice, while he's there. I don't think about it - I go to Omaha with the kids, don't hear from him, everything is good. I decide to go on my hiatus....everything is headed in the right direction.
Until Monday - when he calls and tells me he has a Bud Light with my name on it. Sadly, I'm lured by beer and a bad day and go over there. He's drunk (as usual) and apologizes for everything. He misses me. He's sorry. He's overwhelmed. He doesn't know what to do. Blah, blah, blah. I go to put his cell phone on the charger for him and notice he has a missed call, from Sara. I ask him about it - he swears he's not into her. Rye, she likes me. I can't help it. I work with her, I have to be careful how I handle all of this. She just calls sometimes when she's out with her friends. I mean, you knew we hung out, Rye. When I first moved here, I didn't have any friends and she and I hung out. Blah, blah, blah.
The rest of the week is uneventful, we go to lunch on Friday. We talk about things, sober. Nothing resolved again, he avoids eye contact, can't have a conversation without making a smart ass comment. However, the Sara story is the same. I figure at this point that things are fine. Not good, but they're fine. He stops by my office that afternoon with coffee. He calls while I'm on my way to the movies with my girlfriends, tries to get me to meet him for a drink. I say no, don't hear from him until Saturday morning. I have plans to go to Power and Light with my friends, and have invited Jamie, Doug, and Carrie. They meet us my house, we all go out - things are good. I'm on the phone with one of Jamie's co-workers telling him where we are, phone beeps, sure enough, text from Sara. Same story from Jamie. Sunday morning, Jamie's phone rings at 8:30a....guess who? Sara. At this point, I'm like really, no woman calls this often unprovoked. Jamie sticks to his story. We run errands, everything is cool, we go see his new condo, go to lunch, he asks me to spend the day with him. I say no, I'm going to take a nap I'll call you later. I call, no answer, don't hear from him.
At this point, I'm done. I fire off an email on Monday morning - listen, you're a good guy, I enjoy you - but I'm not 18 anymore and I will not be part of a situation like this. If you want to be a big boy and be honest - we're cool, otherwise, I want no part of it. I hear nothing back. Tuesday - I get a text, meet me and my boss for beers (I said no). He says he didn't get email, I resend, I don't hear from him. Things are quiet for a few days - I think it's a done deal and I'm completely cool with it- until I get an email from Sara on Friday afternoon.
Oh yes, in my work email on Friday afternoon, with a simple subject line that says "hello." I'll give Sara total credit for this one. The email was direct, it wasn't bitchy, and it was simply a girl trying to figure out why the guy she's dating is getting emails from me. Like I said, Jamie drinks a lot, and has a terrible habit of leaving his email open - both work and personal. She finds all of my emails and a few others that I won't even get into. Her email to me says that she didn't know I existed until a couple of days ago, that he told her I was just some girl, he didn't know me that well, we only hung out when we were drunk, and that I was the one into him. Basically, I'm a non-issue is what's he told her. Clearly - the emails prove otherwise.
Needless to say, email wasn't the forum to be honest with her - so I told her to call me. And to be quite honest, she's a cool chick. I told her everything - from soup to nuts. The entire story from the day I met this guy on December 18th. What we did, where we went, when I met his friends, and all of the super sweet things he used to say and do.
Here's the deal. Dude lied from GO. Everything - from the minute I told him my name was somehow laced with a lie. He told me that he and Sara were done around Thanksgiving. Lie. He told me they didn't talk or hang out anymore. Lie. He's paying child support for his kids. Lie.
The night of the Super Bowl party - he's calling her from outside. The night we watched movies when I got back from Eureka - he wasn't working - he was picking Sara up from the airport from the vacation HE PAID FOR! There are literally days that she and I probably missed each other by 20 minutes. We're both (Sara and I) amazed by all of this. I mean he snowed all of us. Sara (poor girl works with him!), myself, Cherie, Shannon, his friends. Everyone.
Beautiful thing about all of this - is even though he's caught, red handed, with evidence. He proceeds to lie. He tells Sara I'm making it all up. Everything. She's got emails with proof - and he's still lying. Better yet - after she confronts him, she leaves, he's calling me 10 minutes later to apologize. That's right - he's sorry and will I come meet him for a drink. Cause he clearly needs another one.
Whew, writing this was exhausting. I can imagine how it feels reading it. And I know what an ass I am for even getting involved past the disappearance. What's the saying? Live and Learn?!
But, yes, this is entirely a true story. This is my life. It's comical really. To be quite honest, it's Sara, Doug, Carrie, and Mike I worry about. They all had a lot more invested than I did - they've known him a lot longer! And they can't get rid of him - they work together (except Carrie). They have to deal with this drama everyday. Lucky me - I get to walk away. With a killer story. And hopefully new friends. I'd like to think that Sara and I will grab drinks together some day. Like I said, she's a cool chick. And Doug and Carrie - the coolest people you'll ever meet. Hearts of Gold. And Mike, Mike loves Jamie and he'll defend him to the death - but I'm hoping we can still chat when he comes to KC.
Good night friends....
love love love
Monday, February 16, 2009
The Playlist
This was my horoscope today. I thought it was PERFECT for what my goals are right now!! I'm a huge horoscope junkie. I read at least 4 of them a day and pick the one that makes the most sense. I thought I'd share:
You are on a roll today, or at least you are warming up and getting ready for something big. You can feel it coming, even if you are still holding yourself back. Don't focus any attention on your worries or fears. You are what you think, so look forward to the amazing chance in front of you. Tying up any last loose ends from your past is smart because you really don't want anything to get in the way of your future.
And.....because I believe that music is the key to the world - I'm making a play list. Every significant event in my life has a song that coincides with it for me. In honor of the next few weeks, I've created a playlist that will forever make me think of My Hiatus! Call it what you'd like, but for me - it's the Single Girls playlist. It should be on a CD in your car, on your MP3 player, and everywhere else you may need it to make you dance around like a retard by yourself and remember that you're fabulous!
The All-American Rejects - Gives you Hell
Katy Perry - Hot N Cold
Beyonce - Single Ladies
Britney Spears - Womanizer
Liz Phair - Extraordinary
Liz Phair - Why Can't I?
Taylor Swift - White Horse
Kellie Pickler - Red High Heels
Carrie Underwood - The More Boys I Meet
Carrie Underwood - Last Name
Pink - So What
John Legend - Green Light
Britney Spears - Radar
T.I - Whatever you Like
Zac Brown Band - Chicken Fried
Lady GaGa - Just Dance
Jesse McCartney - Leavin'
Ting Tings - That's Not My Name
Christina Aguilera - Keeps Gettin' Better
Gnarls Barkley - Crazy
Danity Kane - Damaged
Beyonce - Diva
Lee Ann Womack - Last Call
Jason Aldean - She's Country
Joey and Rory - Cheater Cheater
Sugarland - All I Want to Do
I'm sure this is JUST the beginning. I'll add to it as I come across the songs I know I forgot.
Enjoy
xoxo
rye
You are on a roll today, or at least you are warming up and getting ready for something big. You can feel it coming, even if you are still holding yourself back. Don't focus any attention on your worries or fears. You are what you think, so look forward to the amazing chance in front of you. Tying up any last loose ends from your past is smart because you really don't want anything to get in the way of your future.
And.....because I believe that music is the key to the world - I'm making a play list. Every significant event in my life has a song that coincides with it for me. In honor of the next few weeks, I've created a playlist that will forever make me think of My Hiatus! Call it what you'd like, but for me - it's the Single Girls playlist. It should be on a CD in your car, on your MP3 player, and everywhere else you may need it to make you dance around like a retard by yourself and remember that you're fabulous!
The All-American Rejects - Gives you Hell
Katy Perry - Hot N Cold
Beyonce - Single Ladies
Britney Spears - Womanizer
Liz Phair - Extraordinary
Liz Phair - Why Can't I?
Taylor Swift - White Horse
Kellie Pickler - Red High Heels
Carrie Underwood - The More Boys I Meet
Carrie Underwood - Last Name
Pink - So What
John Legend - Green Light
Britney Spears - Radar
T.I - Whatever you Like
Zac Brown Band - Chicken Fried
Lady GaGa - Just Dance
Jesse McCartney - Leavin'
Ting Tings - That's Not My Name
Christina Aguilera - Keeps Gettin' Better
Gnarls Barkley - Crazy
Danity Kane - Damaged
Beyonce - Diva
Lee Ann Womack - Last Call
Jason Aldean - She's Country
Joey and Rory - Cheater Cheater
Sugarland - All I Want to Do
I'm sure this is JUST the beginning. I'll add to it as I come across the songs I know I forgot.
Enjoy
xoxo
rye
Sunday, February 15, 2009
My Hiatus!
Hi friends!
So it's been a crazy, crazy year or so. Leaving Orlando, moving to Kansas City, tons and tons of volleyball, going back to school next month, and overall just adjusting - I can't believe how insane it's all been.
Most of it's been good, but I've certainly had my....lows, if you will. Sadly, most of these "lows" have been related to men in some way shape or form. I'm not proud of it - but it's true. In honor of Valentine's Day, I've decided to take a bit of a hiatus - from men.
I really should've done this quite some time ago (like when Joe and I broke up), but I'm thinking better late than never! Right?!?
The whole thought process relates right back into my rockstar status. I told you all - I'm back. And I think this is the way to get there!!
I'm sure my friend Cherie believes that I can't do this, but I feel like it's absolutely necessary to move forward in a positive fashion. I think that one of the most important things to living a good life is being happy in your own skin. I think it's about being perfectly okay with being alone. And by alone, I mean alone. No dating, no making out with strangers, no crazy text relationships. Alone.
I originally thought 90 days was a good hiatus, but then decided that was a bit long!! To kick it all off, I'm going for 30 days...and we'll go from there. The official start date is February 14th, 2009. 30 days brings us to March 15th - just in time for St. Patty's Day. Seems appropriate since this is my FAV holiday!
I remember the beginning days in Orlando when life was all about having fun, figuring myself out, and doing as many new things as humanly possible. And I loved every minute of it. My goal is to get back there. I want the biggest worry in my life to be when my next volleyball practice is, the next day I play, and the next time I'm going for cocktails with friends.
I also decided to make a list of all the things I want to do over the next few months. It's a ridiculous list, but I plan on making it through it...before football season!
I'm sure I'll blog about updates on the hiatus and how things are going...so check back often!
And, for fun - here's the list of things to do! Feel free to join me if you'd like.
Bloom Fest - I think it's May 31st.
Crawl for Cancer - May 14 or 16th or something like that!
Eureka Springs - April 25
Float Trip - June or July ladies?
Branson - this one is up to Cherie
Lake of the Ozarks - anyone have any party cove hook ups?!
Lake Pom - yes Matty - I'll be calling you to set this one up
Royals Games - I have to look at a calendar, but I'd LOVE to do opening weekend. Not sure if the kiddos play....
T Bones - we had a blast at T Bones games last year. Plan on doing quite a few this year!
Free concerts - I'm hoping Power and Light are doing their free concert series again. I only made it to one out there last year - but we had so much fun!
The Old Chicago Beer Tour - we can start this ASAP. I'm open for volunteers!
Tons of volleyball - I have to see how much time school takes up - but I'm hoping to be able to play one or two nights this summer.
So it's been a crazy, crazy year or so. Leaving Orlando, moving to Kansas City, tons and tons of volleyball, going back to school next month, and overall just adjusting - I can't believe how insane it's all been.
Most of it's been good, but I've certainly had my....lows, if you will. Sadly, most of these "lows" have been related to men in some way shape or form. I'm not proud of it - but it's true. In honor of Valentine's Day, I've decided to take a bit of a hiatus - from men.
I really should've done this quite some time ago (like when Joe and I broke up), but I'm thinking better late than never! Right?!?
The whole thought process relates right back into my rockstar status. I told you all - I'm back. And I think this is the way to get there!!
I'm sure my friend Cherie believes that I can't do this, but I feel like it's absolutely necessary to move forward in a positive fashion. I think that one of the most important things to living a good life is being happy in your own skin. I think it's about being perfectly okay with being alone. And by alone, I mean alone. No dating, no making out with strangers, no crazy text relationships. Alone.
I originally thought 90 days was a good hiatus, but then decided that was a bit long!! To kick it all off, I'm going for 30 days...and we'll go from there. The official start date is February 14th, 2009. 30 days brings us to March 15th - just in time for St. Patty's Day. Seems appropriate since this is my FAV holiday!
I remember the beginning days in Orlando when life was all about having fun, figuring myself out, and doing as many new things as humanly possible. And I loved every minute of it. My goal is to get back there. I want the biggest worry in my life to be when my next volleyball practice is, the next day I play, and the next time I'm going for cocktails with friends.
I also decided to make a list of all the things I want to do over the next few months. It's a ridiculous list, but I plan on making it through it...before football season!
I'm sure I'll blog about updates on the hiatus and how things are going...so check back often!
And, for fun - here's the list of things to do! Feel free to join me if you'd like.
Bloom Fest - I think it's May 31st.
Crawl for Cancer - May 14 or 16th or something like that!
Eureka Springs - April 25
Float Trip - June or July ladies?
Branson - this one is up to Cherie
Lake of the Ozarks - anyone have any party cove hook ups?!
Lake Pom - yes Matty - I'll be calling you to set this one up
Royals Games - I have to look at a calendar, but I'd LOVE to do opening weekend. Not sure if the kiddos play....
T Bones - we had a blast at T Bones games last year. Plan on doing quite a few this year!
Free concerts - I'm hoping Power and Light are doing their free concert series again. I only made it to one out there last year - but we had so much fun!
The Old Chicago Beer Tour - we can start this ASAP. I'm open for volunteers!
Tons of volleyball - I have to see how much time school takes up - but I'm hoping to be able to play one or two nights this summer.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
He's just not that into you....
With all of the excitement about the movie coming out, I was forced to go out and purchase the book....again! I must say I've read this book probably 4 or 5 times throughout my 20s....yes, I know it's excessive, but sometimes I need a reminder! Mind you I've dated EVERY guy that book describes...
Either way, this most recent time probably resonates the most. It's so funny the excuses we make for people, male and female alike. I don't know if it's the innate need to see the best in people, rose colored glasses, or just plain stupidity - but wow, we let people off the hook for a lot of stuff!
My best friend Cherie thinks I need to stop reading self help books. Personally, I love them. And I try to apply them to my life as much as possible (I think this is why she wants me to stop!). But the truth is, the most recent read of "He's Just Not That Into You!" was probably my favorite.
I'm far enough post break up to see that he REALLY wasn't that into me at all and finally feeling okay about dating again, to see that men will say just about anything to win you over. Until they do win you over....then they're just not that into you....Really, I needed a book to see all of this?! I'm a mess, I know.
I spent this past weekend with 5 of my girlfriends - most of whom I've been close with for a very long time. Talk about a sad, sad group of girls. Between the 6 of us, we could cover any and every dating/marriage nightmare possible. So much so that it's almost comical. Almost....
But dealing with this weekend and reading this book made me wonder how such strong, beautiful, funny women wound up in these situations. This takes me back to a conversation my girlfriend Julie and I used to have all of the time (pre her fanstastic boyfriend that she's madly in love with!!!) where we always came to the conclusion that we just liked the attention.
Do we settle for mediocre because we like the attention? Do we really buy the excuses because we like the attention? Do we really make excuses because we like the attention?!?!! Seriously?
Truth be told, I don't know the answer to this question right now. Those of you that know me know that I write when I get frustrated. So help me out here friends, how do we as beautiful, talented, wonderful women settle for men that just aren't that into us?! Or worse yet, try to figure out why? (because the answer is very clearly, they're just dumb :)
xoxo
rye
Either way, this most recent time probably resonates the most. It's so funny the excuses we make for people, male and female alike. I don't know if it's the innate need to see the best in people, rose colored glasses, or just plain stupidity - but wow, we let people off the hook for a lot of stuff!
My best friend Cherie thinks I need to stop reading self help books. Personally, I love them. And I try to apply them to my life as much as possible (I think this is why she wants me to stop!). But the truth is, the most recent read of "He's Just Not That Into You!" was probably my favorite.
I'm far enough post break up to see that he REALLY wasn't that into me at all and finally feeling okay about dating again, to see that men will say just about anything to win you over. Until they do win you over....then they're just not that into you....Really, I needed a book to see all of this?! I'm a mess, I know.
I spent this past weekend with 5 of my girlfriends - most of whom I've been close with for a very long time. Talk about a sad, sad group of girls. Between the 6 of us, we could cover any and every dating/marriage nightmare possible. So much so that it's almost comical. Almost....
But dealing with this weekend and reading this book made me wonder how such strong, beautiful, funny women wound up in these situations. This takes me back to a conversation my girlfriend Julie and I used to have all of the time (pre her fanstastic boyfriend that she's madly in love with!!!) where we always came to the conclusion that we just liked the attention.
Do we settle for mediocre because we like the attention? Do we really buy the excuses because we like the attention? Do we really make excuses because we like the attention?!?!! Seriously?
Truth be told, I don't know the answer to this question right now. Those of you that know me know that I write when I get frustrated. So help me out here friends, how do we as beautiful, talented, wonderful women settle for men that just aren't that into us?! Or worse yet, try to figure out why? (because the answer is very clearly, they're just dumb :)
xoxo
rye
Monday, January 26, 2009
You used to be a rockstar....
I won't lie, life has been rough lately. I haven't been myself. I've been frustrated, stressed out, and a little lost. Okay, maybe a lot lost... I thought it was normal. Post-move, post break-up...people are supposed to feel a little out of whack, right?
Wrong....
A friend of mine....one I'm not terribly close to and haven't done a good job of keeping in touch with messaged me randomly (via Facebook, no less!) the other day and made me look at things like I should've been looking at them over the last 9 months.
I won't take you through the whole convo, but what he said was crystal clear. "You used to be a rockstar." Wow. I didn't know what to say to that. Of course, my first reaction was, are you kidding me? I'm still a rockstar. But then I realized that he was right. I did used to be a rockstar. And my rockstar status has been dwindling...fast.
I can blame it on whatever I want. Work being stressful. The weather being shitty. Missing Orlando. It doesn't matter. Truth is, I've let a lot of "stuff" get in the way of being me. Well, kids, watch out - I'm back. For real this time.
It doesn't matter where I live. It doesn't matter what happens. I am still the same crazy, hard working, fun loving, independent, stubborn person I was before. Just a different zip code and a winter wardrobe. I really don't know how I lost sight of that to be quite honest with you.
It's such a simple realization. And it was a simple statement. "You used to be a rockstar." That's exactly what he said.
And what's really sad about all of this is equally as simple. The rockstar behavior hasn't gone away. I haven't stopped doing the things I love. I haven't stopped going out and being myself and having a blast. I simply stopped acting like I rockstar. I started worrying about stupid shit. I started thinking about things I couldn't control. And I got stuck inside my own damn head.
So - thank you friend. For pointing out the obvious. And for making me realize - that I am a rockstar. And it's about damn time I started acting like one.
And for my fantastic rockstar friends, and for the ones that were there for me when I wasn't up to par, thank you for being a part of my life. I have realized lately that I am one of the luckiest girls in the world. I have great friends, an amazing family, and a life I am proud of.
Cheers
xoxo
rye
Wrong....
A friend of mine....one I'm not terribly close to and haven't done a good job of keeping in touch with messaged me randomly (via Facebook, no less!) the other day and made me look at things like I should've been looking at them over the last 9 months.
I won't take you through the whole convo, but what he said was crystal clear. "You used to be a rockstar." Wow. I didn't know what to say to that. Of course, my first reaction was, are you kidding me? I'm still a rockstar. But then I realized that he was right. I did used to be a rockstar. And my rockstar status has been dwindling...fast.
I can blame it on whatever I want. Work being stressful. The weather being shitty. Missing Orlando. It doesn't matter. Truth is, I've let a lot of "stuff" get in the way of being me. Well, kids, watch out - I'm back. For real this time.
It doesn't matter where I live. It doesn't matter what happens. I am still the same crazy, hard working, fun loving, independent, stubborn person I was before. Just a different zip code and a winter wardrobe. I really don't know how I lost sight of that to be quite honest with you.
It's such a simple realization. And it was a simple statement. "You used to be a rockstar." That's exactly what he said.
And what's really sad about all of this is equally as simple. The rockstar behavior hasn't gone away. I haven't stopped doing the things I love. I haven't stopped going out and being myself and having a blast. I simply stopped acting like I rockstar. I started worrying about stupid shit. I started thinking about things I couldn't control. And I got stuck inside my own damn head.
So - thank you friend. For pointing out the obvious. And for making me realize - that I am a rockstar. And it's about damn time I started acting like one.
And for my fantastic rockstar friends, and for the ones that were there for me when I wasn't up to par, thank you for being a part of my life. I have realized lately that I am one of the luckiest girls in the world. I have great friends, an amazing family, and a life I am proud of.
Cheers
xoxo
rye
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Being an adult.....
I believe this was November/December 2008.....Kelley told me this was exactly what people should blog about....so here's your post Kel!
xoxo
I'm usually so surprised how fast life happens and how much things change. Today, I'm just pissed off. As you've all told me, life happens; you've grown up, it part of the maturity process, etc. If that's what I'm supposed to do, why the hell can't everybody else?
News flash, life is hard. Being an adult is really shitty sometimes. However, there's nothing we can do to change it. We're adults with adult responsibilities, things to take care of, and sticky situations to get ourselves out of. What happened to just opening your mouth and asking for what you want? I'm as guilty of as everyone else, but it's starting to get on my nerves.
I've found myself in some strange, strange situations I would've never been in a year ago by moving home. Instead of the biggest problem being why didn't that guy at the bar call me, it's now about kids and living together and marriage. Yuck. That's right, I said it….yuck!
But, this is the choice I've made, to move back here to be closer to family and friends. Don't get me wrong, it's not all bad, but some days I just want to shake people and remind them – we're all adults. Yes, some of us are better at it than others, some of us have more experience, and some of us just fly by the seat of our pants. But, nothing, and I mean NOTHING, gets resolved by not opening your mouth. You boyfriend pisses you off – tell him. You don't understand what your boss wants - ask him. You don't know why your best friends' been weird lately - get a bottle of wine and make her talk to you. It's not that tough. Sure, you might find out some things you didn't want to know. You might hurt someone's feelings. But, it's the only way to get an answer. I promise…answers don't appear out of nowhere. And when they do, it's usually not a good situation. Believe me, I know.
Did you ever stop to think that perhaps you're not giving the people around you enough credit? That perhaps though they may seem high strung and unreasonable – that they can think like rational adults if you give them the chance. Of course you didn't – you never stopped to ask. So instead we form massive wedges between the people we care about most at the risk of hurting someone's feelings. Well, that's it, I've had enough. If you want to be an adults and be treated like one – start acting like one.
xoxo
I'm usually so surprised how fast life happens and how much things change. Today, I'm just pissed off. As you've all told me, life happens; you've grown up, it part of the maturity process, etc. If that's what I'm supposed to do, why the hell can't everybody else?
News flash, life is hard. Being an adult is really shitty sometimes. However, there's nothing we can do to change it. We're adults with adult responsibilities, things to take care of, and sticky situations to get ourselves out of. What happened to just opening your mouth and asking for what you want? I'm as guilty of as everyone else, but it's starting to get on my nerves.
I've found myself in some strange, strange situations I would've never been in a year ago by moving home. Instead of the biggest problem being why didn't that guy at the bar call me, it's now about kids and living together and marriage. Yuck. That's right, I said it….yuck!
But, this is the choice I've made, to move back here to be closer to family and friends. Don't get me wrong, it's not all bad, but some days I just want to shake people and remind them – we're all adults. Yes, some of us are better at it than others, some of us have more experience, and some of us just fly by the seat of our pants. But, nothing, and I mean NOTHING, gets resolved by not opening your mouth. You boyfriend pisses you off – tell him. You don't understand what your boss wants - ask him. You don't know why your best friends' been weird lately - get a bottle of wine and make her talk to you. It's not that tough. Sure, you might find out some things you didn't want to know. You might hurt someone's feelings. But, it's the only way to get an answer. I promise…answers don't appear out of nowhere. And when they do, it's usually not a good situation. Believe me, I know.
Did you ever stop to think that perhaps you're not giving the people around you enough credit? That perhaps though they may seem high strung and unreasonable – that they can think like rational adults if you give them the chance. Of course you didn't – you never stopped to ask. So instead we form massive wedges between the people we care about most at the risk of hurting someone's feelings. Well, that's it, I've had enough. If you want to be an adults and be treated like one – start acting like one.
Invisible goals?
Written post break up in 2008.....
I wish someone would’ve warned me that life would be this hard. When you’re a little kid the people in your life tell you that you can be anything you want to be and that as long as you work hard that good things will come. Nobody warns you that you will get your heart broken. Nobody warns you that people will not turn out to be who you wanted them to be. Nobody warns you that friends will come and go from your life. Not that any warning would make it feel any better, but sometimes it feels like false advertising.
I’ve done everything I’ve been told to do my whole life. I finished high school with good grades and a scholarship to college. I left my life in a small town with the idea that things will only look up from here. College was great. I made amazing friends and I learned a lot about myself as a person. And when I left college in pursuit of the perfect career, I thought things will only look up from here.
After college, I got a job. I was way too hard working and trusting and found out that the workplace is even scarier and harder than high school and college put together. So I got another job, a job that I loved. And I’ve continued to work hard ever since. I knew that there were great things on my horizon because as a little kid, I was told there would be. I mean, I did everything I was supposed to right? I worked hard, I was honest – it should all fall together now, right?
Let’s not forget the entire outside of work drama that comes with adult life. Being an adult is hard work. Not only are you worried about paying all of your bills, finding out who you are, trying to maintain an active social life, but you’re then faced with finding that person you’ll spend the rest of your life with.
I suppose that’s what this is all about for me. When it comes to school and work and being a good person – I’ve done it all. At least I feel like I have. But, why didn’t someone warn me that the relationship part of life is by far the hardest thing that a person will go through. That meeting new people, friends and significant others alike, would be an uphill battle. That just because someone was a nice person, a fun person, doesn’t mean that they’re supposed to be a person in your life.
I’ll be honest; the majority of this is geared towards the relationship side of things. Finding a boyfriend, a potential husband, someone to share your life with – that’s what society says is the next step, post high school, college, and career. However, I won’t overlook the fact that friendships become hard too. People grow and change. They begin to want different things out of life. They begin to expect different things from you. And the friendship changes. I don’t know if it’s harder to end a romantic relationship or end a friendship. Believe me, I’ve done both on more than one occasion, and I’m not a fan of either.
I know you’re thinking I’m pretty naïve right now. How is it possible that this girl didn’t know that life would be hard? That she would make friends and lose them? How did she not know that she would get her heartbroken over and over again? Let me make this clear, I knew that it would happen. I didn’t anticipate the magnitude of it. I didn’t anticipate that my adult life would be so geared towards these things. I didn’t realize that there would be days that I would trade anything to go back to the age of 12 just for life to be that simple and innocent again.
I know I’m not the only woman in the world that feels this way. I don’t mean to leave men out of this one, but I’ve talked to both men and women about life – and for some reason, it seems that women are the ones that always seem flabbergasted at the immense pain that life brings. Perhaps it’s because we tell little boys not to cry and they model themselves after a society that encourages “being manly” and “acting like a man.” And of course, we all know “real men don’t cry.” Perhaps that’s why we, as women, shoulder this pain. We feel pain for ourselves, the people (men) in our life that don’t deal with their pain, and then (though I don’t have children) we shoulder our children’s pain as well.
How much can one person handle? How much pain you take on everyday and still function? How do we get out of bed in the morning and do what needs to be done while internally dealing with four million different things? It’s a complete mystery to me.
Just coming out of a relationship myself, I’ve been through more emotions in the last week that I thought humanly possible. And all I can do is sit here and write and ask myself how? How do people deal with this? How do people just keep going? I know the answer is, because we don’t have a choice. And all sorts of other cliché things, like everything in life happens for a reason. What’s meant to be will be. It is what it is. You can’t change someone that doesn’t want to be changed. Look at the big picture.
Let me tell you something, I’m looking at the big picture and all I see is that it gets more and more complicated the older we get. It becomes harder to meet people that don’t have “emotional baggage.” Responsibilities become bigger. The bills become bigger. We want a bigger house. A nicer car. Or something else we’ve convinced ourselves that if we can just get that one thing, we’ll be happier.
I’ve tried to focus on myself. I’ve tried to focus on what I need and want out of life. I’ve tried to tell myself I don’t need material things. I don’t need a man to make me happy. I don’t need anyone else to make my life great. Is it just me? Am I the only person who doesn’t believe this bullshit? Everywhere you turn around in today’s society, it’s about love and marriage and life and work and material stuff. How do people overcome that? How does an average person working hard to make their life above average ever get to that next level? And when they do get to that next level, how do they slow down and enjoy it? Someone please explain it to me.
Explain to me how I went from an idealistic little girl that wanted to have a career and buy a nice house and live a good life so that my kids wouldn’t want for anything. To a woman that doesn’t know what she’s working for anymore.
I’m sure you’ve heard that it’s better to write down your goals. Develop a picture of what you want and work towards that. What happens if the picture is constantly changing? One day the picture says one thing and the next day it’s completely different.
How have I become so jaded that the idea of dating makes me want to cry? How have I become so unsure of myself? How does a normal person deal with these things? I’ve tried it all, great friends, good wine, a therapist. Sometimes, I do achieve these great moments of clarity where I feel like I’ve got it figured out, just to wake up the next day to see that the picture has changed again.
Does this make me a crazy person? I mean, I’ve polled the people close to me in my life and they all feel pretty similar. But, I’ve never asked the masses. I’ve never asked people that don’t know me or know my situation if I’m completely off the mark here.
If you ask people that have known me a long period of time, they would tell you that this sounds insane coming from someone like me. Someone like myself, who always seemed to so put together. There’s not one thing I’ve set out to do, that I haven’t done. I don’t mean that in a conceited way at all, but it’s true. Every life goal I’ve set for myself, I’ve accomplished. And instead of feeling accomplished and happy and content – I feel worse. I feel like I’m working towards an invisible goal.
I wish someone would’ve warned me that life would be this hard. When you’re a little kid the people in your life tell you that you can be anything you want to be and that as long as you work hard that good things will come. Nobody warns you that you will get your heart broken. Nobody warns you that people will not turn out to be who you wanted them to be. Nobody warns you that friends will come and go from your life. Not that any warning would make it feel any better, but sometimes it feels like false advertising.
I’ve done everything I’ve been told to do my whole life. I finished high school with good grades and a scholarship to college. I left my life in a small town with the idea that things will only look up from here. College was great. I made amazing friends and I learned a lot about myself as a person. And when I left college in pursuit of the perfect career, I thought things will only look up from here.
After college, I got a job. I was way too hard working and trusting and found out that the workplace is even scarier and harder than high school and college put together. So I got another job, a job that I loved. And I’ve continued to work hard ever since. I knew that there were great things on my horizon because as a little kid, I was told there would be. I mean, I did everything I was supposed to right? I worked hard, I was honest – it should all fall together now, right?
Let’s not forget the entire outside of work drama that comes with adult life. Being an adult is hard work. Not only are you worried about paying all of your bills, finding out who you are, trying to maintain an active social life, but you’re then faced with finding that person you’ll spend the rest of your life with.
I suppose that’s what this is all about for me. When it comes to school and work and being a good person – I’ve done it all. At least I feel like I have. But, why didn’t someone warn me that the relationship part of life is by far the hardest thing that a person will go through. That meeting new people, friends and significant others alike, would be an uphill battle. That just because someone was a nice person, a fun person, doesn’t mean that they’re supposed to be a person in your life.
I’ll be honest; the majority of this is geared towards the relationship side of things. Finding a boyfriend, a potential husband, someone to share your life with – that’s what society says is the next step, post high school, college, and career. However, I won’t overlook the fact that friendships become hard too. People grow and change. They begin to want different things out of life. They begin to expect different things from you. And the friendship changes. I don’t know if it’s harder to end a romantic relationship or end a friendship. Believe me, I’ve done both on more than one occasion, and I’m not a fan of either.
I know you’re thinking I’m pretty naïve right now. How is it possible that this girl didn’t know that life would be hard? That she would make friends and lose them? How did she not know that she would get her heartbroken over and over again? Let me make this clear, I knew that it would happen. I didn’t anticipate the magnitude of it. I didn’t anticipate that my adult life would be so geared towards these things. I didn’t realize that there would be days that I would trade anything to go back to the age of 12 just for life to be that simple and innocent again.
I know I’m not the only woman in the world that feels this way. I don’t mean to leave men out of this one, but I’ve talked to both men and women about life – and for some reason, it seems that women are the ones that always seem flabbergasted at the immense pain that life brings. Perhaps it’s because we tell little boys not to cry and they model themselves after a society that encourages “being manly” and “acting like a man.” And of course, we all know “real men don’t cry.” Perhaps that’s why we, as women, shoulder this pain. We feel pain for ourselves, the people (men) in our life that don’t deal with their pain, and then (though I don’t have children) we shoulder our children’s pain as well.
How much can one person handle? How much pain you take on everyday and still function? How do we get out of bed in the morning and do what needs to be done while internally dealing with four million different things? It’s a complete mystery to me.
Just coming out of a relationship myself, I’ve been through more emotions in the last week that I thought humanly possible. And all I can do is sit here and write and ask myself how? How do people deal with this? How do people just keep going? I know the answer is, because we don’t have a choice. And all sorts of other cliché things, like everything in life happens for a reason. What’s meant to be will be. It is what it is. You can’t change someone that doesn’t want to be changed. Look at the big picture.
Let me tell you something, I’m looking at the big picture and all I see is that it gets more and more complicated the older we get. It becomes harder to meet people that don’t have “emotional baggage.” Responsibilities become bigger. The bills become bigger. We want a bigger house. A nicer car. Or something else we’ve convinced ourselves that if we can just get that one thing, we’ll be happier.
I’ve tried to focus on myself. I’ve tried to focus on what I need and want out of life. I’ve tried to tell myself I don’t need material things. I don’t need a man to make me happy. I don’t need anyone else to make my life great. Is it just me? Am I the only person who doesn’t believe this bullshit? Everywhere you turn around in today’s society, it’s about love and marriage and life and work and material stuff. How do people overcome that? How does an average person working hard to make their life above average ever get to that next level? And when they do get to that next level, how do they slow down and enjoy it? Someone please explain it to me.
Explain to me how I went from an idealistic little girl that wanted to have a career and buy a nice house and live a good life so that my kids wouldn’t want for anything. To a woman that doesn’t know what she’s working for anymore.
I’m sure you’ve heard that it’s better to write down your goals. Develop a picture of what you want and work towards that. What happens if the picture is constantly changing? One day the picture says one thing and the next day it’s completely different.
How have I become so jaded that the idea of dating makes me want to cry? How have I become so unsure of myself? How does a normal person deal with these things? I’ve tried it all, great friends, good wine, a therapist. Sometimes, I do achieve these great moments of clarity where I feel like I’ve got it figured out, just to wake up the next day to see that the picture has changed again.
Does this make me a crazy person? I mean, I’ve polled the people close to me in my life and they all feel pretty similar. But, I’ve never asked the masses. I’ve never asked people that don’t know me or know my situation if I’m completely off the mark here.
If you ask people that have known me a long period of time, they would tell you that this sounds insane coming from someone like me. Someone like myself, who always seemed to so put together. There’s not one thing I’ve set out to do, that I haven’t done. I don’t mean that in a conceited way at all, but it’s true. Every life goal I’ve set for myself, I’ve accomplished. And instead of feeling accomplished and happy and content – I feel worse. I feel like I’m working towards an invisible goal.
Oh how things change....and stay the same.
This one was written in December 2007. So funny how things change and how they stay the same....
So, it's been a crazy, crazy year. Those of you that know me well, know most of the instances that have made this year a rough one.
A year ago, I could look in the mirror and know I had complete and total control over my life, so I thought. But somehow over the past twelve months I have lost control and have never felt so damn helpless. And I absolutely refuse to carry this into 2008.
After many long conversations with many of my great friends, who thank God, helped me through this year, whether they know it or not, I have come to the conclusion that we have nothing to lose.
Think about all of the things we stress about. Jobs, money, relationships. Most of us are in our mid-twenties and live damn good lives - but somehow it's never enough. If we are attached we wonder if he's the one or can I overlook the fact that I hate what my significant other watches on tv? If we're married, we hate that our single friends can do happy hour whenever they want! If we're single, we wonder where and when we'll find the next person to occupy our time until we decide that we can't overlook the fact that we hate what they watch on tv.
When it comes to work, we wonder if we're doing a good job. Are we going to get fired? Are we going to get promoted? Am I being paid for the amount of work I'm putting in? Can I find another job somewhere else? Can I make more money somewhere else?
So, we talk to our friends. We toast to silly things about being single, being broke, and being fabulous. We make eyes at the person across the bar, but if they talk to us, we blow them off. We work our asses off and then just stress that we really should be making more money. We analyze and reanalyze things that we really have absolutely no control over! We talk ourselves in circles. We ruin perfectly good nights out talking about things that we can't answer. We ruin Sunday Funday by making ourselves crazy over something that we truly will never understand.
The question is, what do we have to lose by asking these questions to the people that can actually answer them?!?!!!! I love you - my friends - but you can't tell me why the boy who asked for my number at the bar didn't call me. You can't tell me why my boss does nothing when things aren't going well at work. So, what do we have to lose by asking the questions??? To the person that can answer the question.
My ultimate goal in 2008 is this - to before I do or say anything, to think WHAT DO I HAVE TO LOSE?? Let's be honest my friends, 9 times out of 10, the answer is nothing. You have nothing to lose. You're young, you're fabulous, and I love all of you and appreciate all of you. Sometimes, it's going to happen, you're going to get rejected and the answer isn't going to be what you want it to be, but at least you know. And knowing is half the battle, my friends!
For those of you that are aware of my plans for change in the future, please help keep me grounded. Please help me realize that I live a fantastic life and that I couldn't do it without each and everyone one of you.
Cheers to a fantastic 2008! And to getting the answers you need, even if you don't want to hear them!
The way to a girls heart.....
I believe I wrote this one in March 2008.....still great stuff though :)
You know the age old saying, "The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach." And the way to a woman’s heart is by flowers and chocolates and jewelry. Don’t get me wrong, I love flowers and jewelry, but I think anymore, it’s more than that.
Just like our generation wants more out of life – fancy cars, big houses, lavish vacations, I think we want more out of relationships as well. Not just romantic relationships either, but friendships too.
So instead of buying flowers (that will die) and chocolates (that we will throw away when you leave)…the way to a girl’s heart is through her dog, her friends, and her nickname. Sounds simple, right?
When a girl has a dog, her very own dog, I promise you that dog means more to her than anything. So, be nice to the dog. Play with the dog. Call the dog by the correct name and sex. And that’s just if you’re friends. If you’re trying to date her, my suggestion is to become a dog person. Understand that any habits that dog has in her house are not going to change just because you’re in the picture. So get used to the dog sleeping in bed with you, cuddling on the couch with you, and being unsure of whether or not she’s talking to you when she says "Baby!" Other great ways to get on a girl’s good side….take the dog out while she’s getting ready, feed the dog, and play with the dog even when she’s not watching…..
Oh, her friends! Every girl has friends, typically several groups of friends and people that she’s kept in touch with over the years. Women are good like that. As the new man in her life, it’s your job to impress them. All of them. Her work friends, her good friends, the friends she drinks with on Friday nights, and any friend that may come into town to visit. I don’t just mean wear clean socks and iron your shirt, I mean impress them. Talk to them. Ask them questions. Make it so she’s comfortable leaving you alone with them while she goes to the bathroom. Believe me, no matter a woman says, it’s hard to date a man your friends hate. And it’s hard to dump a guy they love.
And her nickname. The people closest to you call you by your nickname. The people that have known you for years or perhaps the people that gave you the nickname are all very near and dear to your heart. When someone calls me Rye rather than Ryann, I respond….a little softer, if you will. It’s endearing. So if the girl you’re dating has a nickname, once you’re comfortable enough and have heard enough people call her that, it’s a good idea to jump on board. If she doesn’t have one….make one up. I’m not talking about a sweet, sappy pet name, but a nickname. Somehow it’s really, really hard to get mad at someone when they don’t use your full name.
By no means am I saying stop buying flowers and chocolate and jewelry for the girl you’re dating. But start thinking about the simple things that mean the world. Status quo doesn’t work for this generation my friends, think over and above – just like everything else you want out of life :)
xoxo
Another oldie but goodie
I hope you all don't mind me sharing my thoughts with you, as I enjoy doing it and particularly hearing your feedback and the conversation it evokes. And if you do mind – then don't read it. The beauty of the Internet ;)
It's been a very fast month, but I've learned a quite a few surprising things.
First and foremost, people are going to disappoint you. No matter how hard they try not to, or how much they promise they won't – they do. I don't mean to sound negative, but it's very true. Now, the positive spin on this is how you deal with the disappointment. If you let it effect you – it will. But if you remind yourself that the person/people that disappoint you are, in fact, teaching you what may be a very valuable lesson, it doesn't hurt quite so bad or at least for not quite so long.
Second of all, your childhood friends can fix any and every problem. I know I've touched on this before – but I was reminded when I went home. Spending a weekend with people who knew you so, so well for so long reminds you how much you need to have people like in your life. Those people that know you, the real you, the you that were for so many years, no matter how much you've changed. I can't tell you how amazing it is to be reunited with my girlfriends from home that I haven't been great at keeping in touch with – but I still didn't have to catch them up on my life. They just know me. It's a phenomenal thing.
Thirdly, you have to be able to let go. All of this talk of clarity lately, and "what do I have to lose" has brought on some interesting changes in my life and the people close to me. It makes me so happy to see my friends growing and changing, but it makes me sad that my little family here in Orlando is slowly but surely falling apart. It's not in a bad way, but in the way that we're all moving and making plans for the future. I keep reminding myself that as long as we're all making changes for the positive, all I can do is smile and be proud of the people around me.
And lastly, time is priceless. We are all so busy with so many things. Some of us with work, some of us with school, some of us with taking care of our families and loved ones. At the end of every day, we sit and wonder where the hell the day went. It's a scary feeling. Think about your day today. How much time was spent doing things you love doing versus doing things you have to do? Time is a precious commodity that you don't get back no matter what. So if there is any way that you can find a way to spend that time doing something you want to do, or making that something you have to do something you want to do, do it. Many of you that know me well have heard me say, "It's just money; you can't take it with you when you die." The same goes for time. It's your time to do with what you want – so you may as well enjoy it. Go do something fun. Go visit friends from out of town that you just haven't had time to visit. Call that girlfriend you've been meaning to catch up with but just haven't had the time to. Send that email you keep meaning to write to that old friend of yours. We only get one shot at this whole life thing – we might as well have fun :)
Love you all….
xoxo
It's been a very fast month, but I've learned a quite a few surprising things.
First and foremost, people are going to disappoint you. No matter how hard they try not to, or how much they promise they won't – they do. I don't mean to sound negative, but it's very true. Now, the positive spin on this is how you deal with the disappointment. If you let it effect you – it will. But if you remind yourself that the person/people that disappoint you are, in fact, teaching you what may be a very valuable lesson, it doesn't hurt quite so bad or at least for not quite so long.
Second of all, your childhood friends can fix any and every problem. I know I've touched on this before – but I was reminded when I went home. Spending a weekend with people who knew you so, so well for so long reminds you how much you need to have people like in your life. Those people that know you, the real you, the you that were for so many years, no matter how much you've changed. I can't tell you how amazing it is to be reunited with my girlfriends from home that I haven't been great at keeping in touch with – but I still didn't have to catch them up on my life. They just know me. It's a phenomenal thing.
Thirdly, you have to be able to let go. All of this talk of clarity lately, and "what do I have to lose" has brought on some interesting changes in my life and the people close to me. It makes me so happy to see my friends growing and changing, but it makes me sad that my little family here in Orlando is slowly but surely falling apart. It's not in a bad way, but in the way that we're all moving and making plans for the future. I keep reminding myself that as long as we're all making changes for the positive, all I can do is smile and be proud of the people around me.
And lastly, time is priceless. We are all so busy with so many things. Some of us with work, some of us with school, some of us with taking care of our families and loved ones. At the end of every day, we sit and wonder where the hell the day went. It's a scary feeling. Think about your day today. How much time was spent doing things you love doing versus doing things you have to do? Time is a precious commodity that you don't get back no matter what. So if there is any way that you can find a way to spend that time doing something you want to do, or making that something you have to do something you want to do, do it. Many of you that know me well have heard me say, "It's just money; you can't take it with you when you die." The same goes for time. It's your time to do with what you want – so you may as well enjoy it. Go do something fun. Go visit friends from out of town that you just haven't had time to visit. Call that girlfriend you've been meaning to catch up with but just haven't had the time to. Send that email you keep meaning to write to that old friend of yours. We only get one shot at this whole life thing – we might as well have fun :)
Love you all….
xoxo
A few oldies but goodies to get us started....
Have you ever had a moment of extreme clarity? One where everything is right in the world?
No worries, me neither! But I have had a moment where everything seems pretty darn close. It's funny how quickly things can change.
I hope you don't mind if I share few thoughts with you about clarity and change.
A few things I've learned recently:
1. Some people come into your life to teach you lessons you didn't even know you needed to learn. Some of them stay, and some of them go - but at the end of the day, you will always have the lesson.
2. It's important to have that one person in your life that is always there for you - no matter what! I am blessed to have several of those people, and Lord knows I couldn't live without them.
3. Not to quote Sweet Home Alabama, but I'm going to - "It's okay to have roots and wings." For so many years I've fought where I grew up and what it stood for. Now, for the first time, possibly ever, I've realized that where I grew up and the people I grew up with made me who I am. And again, I thank the Lord for that too.
4. You're only as good as you want to be. It's true. We always hate hearing it - but it's true. It's up to you to create your life. You work as hard as you want to work. You surround yourself with the people that will help you get where you want to be. You put in the hard work, the passion, and the desire to get where you want to be. And, if you're not where you want to be or where you feel you deserve to be in your life - change your approach. Do something different. Remember, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
5. Find something or someone that inspires you. It's so important to have that place you go to, that person you talk to - that happy place, where everything is right with the world. Where you don't think about how stressed out you are or how all over the map things seem to be. That 20 minutes, those 2 hours, getting lost in conversation with that person - those things are priceless. It's what keeps you sane. It's what keeps you from losing your mind. If you don't have that, I can't tell you how empowering it is and I challenge you to find it.
I think that's all for now - but if I think of anything else I'll continue. Your thoughts and opinions are always appreciated. And for those of you that are those people I can't live without - I thank you. And for the people that have taught me those life lessons - you've made me who I am today. And for my friends I grew up with - I can't wait to see you all again soon.
xoxo
No worries, me neither! But I have had a moment where everything seems pretty darn close. It's funny how quickly things can change.
I hope you don't mind if I share few thoughts with you about clarity and change.
A few things I've learned recently:
1. Some people come into your life to teach you lessons you didn't even know you needed to learn. Some of them stay, and some of them go - but at the end of the day, you will always have the lesson.
2. It's important to have that one person in your life that is always there for you - no matter what! I am blessed to have several of those people, and Lord knows I couldn't live without them.
3. Not to quote Sweet Home Alabama, but I'm going to - "It's okay to have roots and wings." For so many years I've fought where I grew up and what it stood for. Now, for the first time, possibly ever, I've realized that where I grew up and the people I grew up with made me who I am. And again, I thank the Lord for that too.
4. You're only as good as you want to be. It's true. We always hate hearing it - but it's true. It's up to you to create your life. You work as hard as you want to work. You surround yourself with the people that will help you get where you want to be. You put in the hard work, the passion, and the desire to get where you want to be. And, if you're not where you want to be or where you feel you deserve to be in your life - change your approach. Do something different. Remember, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
5. Find something or someone that inspires you. It's so important to have that place you go to, that person you talk to - that happy place, where everything is right with the world. Where you don't think about how stressed out you are or how all over the map things seem to be. That 20 minutes, those 2 hours, getting lost in conversation with that person - those things are priceless. It's what keeps you sane. It's what keeps you from losing your mind. If you don't have that, I can't tell you how empowering it is and I challenge you to find it.
I think that's all for now - but if I think of anything else I'll continue. Your thoughts and opinions are always appreciated. And for those of you that are those people I can't live without - I thank you. And for the people that have taught me those life lessons - you've made me who I am today. And for my friends I grew up with - I can't wait to see you all again soon.
xoxo
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